Santa & Second Hand Ham

Tommy: Wait a minute!

Josh: Frostface! The Daily Talk Show, a conversation sometimes worth recording with Josh Janson and Tommy Jackett. It's The Daily Talk Show, episode 236.

Tommy: 14 days till Christmas.

Josh: Thanks for the countdown. Yeah, 11th of December, 10 AM here in Melbourne. Yeah, guess what time in North Carolina?

Tommy: That's where your brother is.

Josh: Yeah, I was just talking to him on the FaceTime audio.

Tommy: Okay, so that you've given me a clue there. So, I reckon it's like a nighttime over there. So, he's just about to go to bed. It's 10, almost 8 PM.

Josh: 6 PM.

Tommy: 6 PM, 2 hours off.

Josh: Yeah, but I thought it would be interesting because of my excitement of nectarines, which is a type of fruit. You might hear Amy coughing in the background. She's working from the office. So, she doesn't get her new work sick.

Tommy: But happy to get— take down a big media company.

Josh: I know, it's outrageous. The— I thought it'd be fun given the nectarine banter to talk about seasonal fruits and what is in season here in Melbourne and what is picking a city or state, what is in season in North Carolina.

Tommy: Is that the most interesting thing that we can do for this podcast?

Josh: I think so.

Tommy: I will tell you though, yesterday on the way in, I was listening to the radio, would you have it? And I heard within somewhere in Australia, there was 400 kilogrammes of garlic stolen from a farm.

Josh: How many kilos?

Tommy: Garlic heist, 400 kilos, I think.

Josh: That's a lot.

Tommy: That's a lot. People steal the weirdest shit. Entire garlic crops stolen in bizarre Victorian night raid. This is awesome. This is more interesting than your fucking seasonal fruit.

Josh: Potatoes in North Carolina. Potatoes.

Tommy: They're available?

Josh: In season. Not many fruits in season, but just so you know, in Melbourne right now, I think, what's the difference between a fig and a common fig?

Tommy: Would not have a clue.

Josh: I know, they just—

Tommy: I don't buy figs.

Josh: Okay. So, right now, summer, apricots, bananas, berries, cherries, figs. I love figs. Okay. Highest caloric fruit you can buy.

Tommy: A fig?

Josh: Yeah.

Tommy: Interesting. And then dry that son of a gun out and it's even more.

Josh: Yeah, but they're delicious, aren't they?

Tommy: Yeah.

Josh: Grapefruit, grapes, they're all in season. And if you want to go further down the chart, melons, peaches, pears, plums, strawberries.

Tommy: The only time I know when a fruit isn't in season is when I'm blowing up because I want it and I'm at the supermarket and they don't have it.

Josh: This is—

Tommy: Or it's astronomical prices. Do you remember the, um, the The banana saga.

Josh: Yeah.

Tommy: I don't know what year that was, but 2014 maybe. Bananas in Australia, there was, I think it was due to something happening up in Queensland.

Josh: There was a big, like a weather thing, that storm that ripped them all out.

Tommy: Dude, bananas, they were like gold. They were so expensive. It was ridiculous.

Josh: One thing I love about the States is how cheap avocados are.

Tommy: Why is that?

Josh: I guess they've They supply and demand. They've got a lot more avocados.

Tommy: Yeah, there's a lot of Mexican food rocking around America. Lots of guac needed.

Josh: Yeah. And I guess it's maybe environment. I think California, there's a lot of avocado places.

Tommy: Yeah. It's weird how the prices fluctuate. And I mean, what's— You went to the supermarket before.

Josh: Yeah. So, here's one issue with the whole self-serve. Thing. Yeah. When you're buying produce, which I've only just sort of gotten into, which is quite disgusting. I tend to just buy my food. So, like the vegetables are all cut up, they're put in a dish, they call it a curry. That's how I buy my food. Anyway, when you're selecting, you have to select what the fruit is. And so, you've got to say like what type of mango it is and what type of banana it is and what type of apple. I thought that my apple came up at a dollar.. And I thought it must have been a missway or a misscan and got them to come over. And it was, that was just the price. Oh really? Yeah.

Tommy: That would have been anxiety.

Josh: Yeah. So for you. And Bree then had the audacity to say, this is why I never go through self-service when I've got produce.

Tommy: Okay, mate.

Josh: Yeah. Which I think doesn't help the problem. I think it's good to learn, isn't it?

Tommy: It's just two hermits who have come out of the house for once and buying a few groceries.

Josh: Ah, life is getting at us.

Tommy: 'Cause that's what happens all the time.

Josh: Do you have to— But I don't understand what you have to weigh and what you don't have to weigh. So, like a banana, would you weigh a banana?

Tommy: Yeah, definitely.

Josh: Okay.

Tommy: 'Cause if it's selling as a kilo per piece or like avocados, it's like a lot of the time, 2 for 5. And so, they ask, how many have you got? Because if you buy 1, it's X. If you buy 3, it's not as cheap as buying 4. So, you know, so you buy one and buy another, it's like it pairs them together and gives you the discount based on the two. So, you just have to put in the number. But yeah, it's that they are surprised, they've worked out how to get the thieves because a lot of the time, so when you go and get like, even so for instance, a water. So, sometimes I get a bit thirsty while I'm doing my shopping. So, I'll start drinking I'll drink half the bottle of water.

Josh: No, that makes me cringe.

Tommy: And why not? Why can't you do that?

Josh: No, I think that you've got to wait until the sale, the transaction is done before you start touching the product.

Tommy: Well, I've got a good conscience. I know I'm buying it, so there's no problem.

Josh: What about the nuts that you eat?

Tommy: Yeah, that's the— that's the—

Josh: how are you weighing them?

Tommy: So my point is, when you get a water, you drink half of it, it knows that it's a liter, so it's weighing it for 1 kilogram.

Josh: Yeah.

Tommy: And so it shits itself. So there are—

Josh: it's very precise, which probably tells you that the process that they've created means that you, uh, go get the groceries, pay for them, and then consume them.

Tommy: Yeah, yeah. It's— there is a guy in, um, at the Collingwood Coles who is very onto it. Like, he's there just looking for people who've— who are fucking bending the rules.

Josh: Yeah.

Tommy: And he's just pulling people up left, right, and center.

Josh: Have you been caught?

Tommy: I got pulled out once.

Josh: What for?

Tommy: I put a few nuts, I put a mixed nuts and I put it through. So there's, I put macadamias. I don't do this anymore, but macadamias. And then I mixed a few other nuts in and then I put it through as say almonds. And there was a half-half.

Josh: I can't do that. Do you think it's, is it a family thing? Like when you were, you know how like you are always on time. I'm always on time. That's a family thing. The— I feel like I remember being a kid and there were the families that you would go to the shops with and they would pick a grape off and eat it. Yeah, yeah. Would your family do that?

Tommy: I can't remember. My mum would probably tell me off for doing that.

Josh: Yeah.

Tommy: But it's— here's— there is— I mean, here's an example with fruit. There is at Safeway, or what's called Woolworths.

Josh: Yeah.

Tommy: I'm living in the fresh food people days.

Josh: They still are the fresh food people. Are they the fresh food people? But they've changed from, yeah, they used to be called Safeway and then they called Woolworths.

Tommy: Safeway, the fresh food people, now they're Woolworths. Anyway, Woolworths offer, which is great, it's over Coles, so they've got one up and they offer free fruit for kids. And they've got this section where it's like 3 tiers at our Woolworths in St. Kilda. It's like, you know, they keep apples at the top and they got bananas and sometimes they get a bit fucking generous in offering nectarines. And so I have, so usually I get an apple and I bite into it for Bodhi so it gets the bite happening 'cause he can't get through that first, he needs the first chomp taken by daddy. And so sometimes you rock up though and there's no fruit in there and I'm thinking fucking poor effort. I've come here because I decided not to go to Coles because you offer the free fruit.

Josh: Is that really why you go?

Tommy: Yeah, a lot of the time when, but if it's like afternoon, 5:30, Bodhi's hungry. And he loves just chomping on a little apple as we walk around the supermarket. And so, and it's free.

Josh: The only thing I can relate to this is being, when I was a kid, getting— it actually just reminds me, getting free samples. But one of my mum, my mum told me a storey of one of her friends who's known for being a bit of a guts, a little bit overweight. But apparently the other day she was trying something at a bakery and took some samples, and she took so many that the chick behind the counter, the lady, turned around as she was grabbing the samples and she said That's disgusting.

Tommy: That is disgusting.

Josh: Isn't that embarrassing?

Tommy: That is so fucking embarrassing. So sometimes there's no fruit because they fuck up, and obviously they just don't refill it.

Josh: Sometimes you win them, sometimes you lose them.

Tommy: And then at that point, and you could call it stealing, but I just call it the, um, the tax that I'm charging them. We go up and just grab an apple off the, the main shelf. If there's no food, free fruit as promised, as advertised, I'll go and get Bodhi just whatever he wants.

Josh: Do you feel like you're a little bit of a scab?

Tommy: Nah, I think, mate, it is hard. I think we support them, we buy all our, like they're milking it. They're fucking, this is the problem. You just find what you're okay with. Like it's almost like I've convinced myself that I know that's a form of theft in some respects. But we do spend a lot of money on a lot of projects.

Josh: Could you then justify that for an— I wonder how, whether that's the gateway to say, "Oh, well, we're paying enough. Like, I don't have money today, but I give them enough money that I'm just gonna take this other thing and not pay for it." I mean, I understand that for someone else's boundary, that would be pushing it completely.

Tommy: I mean, it does, it's all— there could be a bit of karma here. When I was a kid, I went up, I remember it clearly, Elsternick Coles, and I walked in, went over into like the self-serve nut section. I was like, ooh, might just have a little cashew. Chomped on a cashew. It was one of the caramelised cashews, so the real naughty ones. Fucking my filling came out.

Josh: I thought it was gonna be the next best thing, which is anaphylactic.

Tommy: No, my filling did fall out. Based on the nut that I had stolen.

Josh: Yeah, because you're being a little scab. I think that— I don't think it's good.

Tommy: I don't think it's good.

Josh: I think that even when you were getting nuts the other day, you handed me a nut or you were trying to give me a nut and I wouldn't take it.

Tommy: So, you don't think it's good based on your morals and your principles?

Josh: Yeah, exactly. Well, I just think that you can't— I think that it's setting the expectation. I would— I'm happy to pay like to have transactions that I'm having this thing and I— they don't owe me anything. They give me things like produce or products and I pay for them, and that's the transaction.

Tommy: Yeah, yeah. I mean, have a kid and then fucking walk around the supermarket because you'll get the fruit. You'll steal fruit. You'll become another guy. I don't reckon I would.

Josh: I don't think— I don't, I don't know.

Tommy: Like a lot of— so for the big ticket items, there's fruit, that's one thing we like when we're walking through the supermarket, we'll open up like a sachet or a yoghurt for the kid, for Bodhi, and give it to him.

Josh: Did your parents do that?

Tommy: I can't remember. I can't remember being that young going through the supermarket.

Josh: Really? I remember vividly, like my mum would— I'd go to the Coles or whatever every day. Mum was like a daily shopper. She'd go to Coles. It was a thing. I'd get a Caramello Koala sometimes. Maybe that's why I got so fat. But, um, Caramello Koalas for some people.

Tommy: It's also the chips and pizza, mate.

Josh: Yeah, that too. No, Mum and Dad, we never had chips with pizza, to be clear. That's sort of an adult thing that's happened. No, I don't think, I don't think it's, I don't think it's right.

Tommy: No, I know it's, I know it's not right. I just don't know how wrong it is. So it, it's a— if you— what do you do? Hi@thedailytalkshow.com. Are you— do you think I'm— I should stop it?

Josh: Yeah, I think that it's compl— I reckon maybe it's entitlement. I think that's what it is. I feel like—

Tommy: Where's the entitlement coming from?

Josh: The entitlement is that I deserve a fee because I have a kid. I should be getting this free fruit. This— I'm entitled to that fruit.

Tommy: Well, they do promise it.

Josh: No, well, I think that— I don't know. I just don't— I think that I'd be more comfortable with you going up and saying, hey, there's no fruit in there, than going and—

Tommy: Yeah, I'm sure they would. I'm sure they would because then I have to have another interaction with a human. At these places.

Josh: What, what, so you were saying you're listening to the, to the radio? Yeah. What have you been listening to?

Tommy: I was just listening, it was just news, a news bulletin about the 400— I opened it up, 400 kilogrammes of garlic. So this is the thing, it's such a great storey for someone, for the rate, like you're always look— you're talking about bullshit news storeys constantly and then a piece of gold comes up like this headline, entire garlic crop stolen in bizarre Victorian night raid.

Josh: If all of a sudden I smell garlic on you later today, I know what's happened.

Tommy: What are you gonna do with $15,000 of garlic though? Like, are you gonna can it and make it your own crushed garlic to sell?

Josh: I feel like, yeah, you need to, maybe it's gonna go into like pasta sauces or something. It feels like it needs to be integrated into another product. Garlic bread, lots of garlic bread.

Tommy: When I was in Shepparton, we did a, so it was like a news storey about this guy who was driving a stolen car through the region and he in the car had hundreds and hundreds of newspapers. So from the day that had been printed on that day and he had hundreds of newspapers that he'd stolen. So just in the car and what the fuck was he doing with it?

Josh: Well, I did, I actually see when you walk outside the supermarket early in the morning, they've just dropped all the papers there. So I think that life, I think the I don't think that the world revolves around honesty.

Tommy: Yeah.

Josh: I think that is, I reckon the small things that we do send signals to the respect that we have for the people around us.

Tommy: Someone's been opening our mail recently.

Josh: What do you mean?

Tommy: So at our news, at our, not our news, at our letterbox. So there's a bunch of letterboxes for our apartment and we've been opening up our our box and there's been envelopes that have been ripped open. And what we've— what my mind jumps to is just some checking for cards, someone looking for cards.

Josh: Yeah, I'm back on the radio thing. What do you notice at this time of year, December, getting through Christmas? What is the common thing that you hear on the radio? Not Michael Bublé.

Tommy: Uh, they're all doing playbacks because they're all down at their beach house.

Josh: Any specific promo?

Tommy: Oh, Pitoki hams. It's ham time. Yeah, I told you we did, um, I think— no, we didn't do this. The guys on the other station in Shepparton, because we gave away hundreds of these hams. The thing is, it works. People want to be given a ham, even— I mean, vegetarians or vegans don't, but hundreds of people want hams for Christmas. And the guys on the radio station that were partnered with, they did the Ham Cannon, which was like they just had this cannon sound effect and then people would just call in, man, hundreds, hundreds of people would call.

Josh: Across all radio stations I've heard it, everyone promoting. So the idea is that this is, I reckon that for the last 10 years this has been happening or even longer.

Tommy: Yeah.

Josh: But it's, you're a caller up on a radio show, you get a free ham, you know. A talkie ham. Yeah. And so, so weird. But what I was thinking is I'm like, If we want to take ourselves seriously as broadcasters, we need to be giving away at least one betoki ham.

Tommy: We'd have to go buy it. How do you get it to them? See, they've worked out logistics, whereas we would give away like vouchers for the local butcher.

Josh: No, no, no, no, we'll get it sent. So what I was thinking is, um, first of all, I was Googling and found the marketing manager's details from Pitoki.

Tommy: From Pitoki, okay.

Josh: So that was step one, but then I thought rather than the complication of having to speak to them, how else could we get a ham? And then I was thinking, if all these radio stations are giving away hams, surely if I'm working on my book that I'm writing, what's something that Tommy can be doing? And I think that it's fair, a fair ask for you to have to try and get a ham for us?

Tommy: To go and buy one? No, not off the radio.

Josh: Yes.

Tommy: No, see, here's the thing, you're making me listen to fucking radio and I don't like listening to radio, let alone being a prize picker. I know how the phones work. There's hundreds of pests waiting by with the number ready to go.

Josh: I think you should do it. Think about the amount of hours I'm going to spend on the writing thing. Yeah, but that's, that's, so Self-imposed.

Tommy: Yes, self-imposed.

Josh: Maybe. But I think—

Tommy: This is a horrible idea. I'd rather go buy one.

Josh: No, that's— There's no fun in that. I could— We could easily go buy one.

Tommy: The problem is I have to listen to the radio. That's a horrible idea.

Josh: No, it's absolutely fine. I think that you would be able to find— How about this? How about I find the radio shows that are giving away batokis and I'll give you some time slots that I know that they're going to be giving them away. And you have to, I'm guessing probably Smooth FM in the morning, you know, the music show.

Tommy: It's all breakfast radio. I'm probably at Coles trying to steal fruit.

Josh: At that time.

Tommy: At that time.

Josh: But I think, no, there's also evening sort of shows. I would say probably 3AW, The Talk, The Talk show would have it. I'm sure that we could win a Bitoki ham that we can then pass on to a listener.

Tommy: So, you are essentially winning a secondhand ham. It's a secondhand ham. Secondhand Ham competition. That's hard to say. Secondhand Ham. So that $10,000.

Josh: So are you on board with it?

Tommy: Not really, because I have to listen to radio. That's the main problem.

Josh: You'll be fine.

Tommy: Well, I listen on the way in the morning. I can't because I'm driving.

Josh: Will you do it for me and for the business?

Tommy: How about I just try and drum up some real business?

Josh: No, I think this is more fun.

Tommy: What about we speak to the marketing manager? Tell her we got a podcast, would love to give away ham. I like that idea. It makes more sense. What's her name?

Josh: His name.

Tommy: His name.

Josh: Tony, I think. Yeah. Based on what I could find. But no, I think—

Tommy: Tony the Handman.

Josh: I think that there should be at least— you should have at least a couple of goes.

Tommy: I actually haven't heard, other than Nova 100, taking the piss. And I think they do give them away, but they're also making fun of the other radio stations.

Josh: I've heard a bunch of stations.

Tommy: Okay, so you're listening— what, you're listening at like 6 AM though, aren't you?

Josh: You know, throughout the day.

Tommy: You're not listening to radio throughout the day.

Josh: In the evening as well, when I'm going home, I'll hear it. I think that with the connections that you have on Facebook as well, I think that you could put out a thing like, hey guys, who's giving away Batakki hams? And we could narrow it down.

Tommy: Batakki ham, okay. The only thing I'm thinking is Shepparton. They might be giving one away and maybe I could somehow get it.

Josh: Yeah. So would you get it shipped? Would you get it shipped?

Tommy: They won't send it here. So this is the thing, they send you to go get it. They give you like a voucher or they say your name's on the door, your name's on the ham door. So maybe we could even work out, we go up to Shepparton to pick up the ham. Um, what's it called? Star FM? Hot Hit FM.

Josh: But you will, can you just at least commit to it?

Tommy: See, I don't know what I'm committing to.

Josh: You're committing to what the dream situation for me is.

Tommy: A ham?

Josh: No, it's you being on air as a punter accepting a ham. Accepting it. I think that would be fun.

Tommy: I'm just looking on the Star FM site to see if they are giving away hams. This could be funny. I'm happy to do it through Star FM Shepparton. I just don't know how I'll get through. 'Cause I know prize pigs and they're waiting by. They know the times.

Josh: Well, if you're a prize pig just for the next week, but so hi@thedailytalkshow.com. If you're in Australia, Melbourne preferably, and would like a Botox ham, hi@thedailytalkshow.com. The first person to email us, we'll send the ham to you. Okay. A Botox, we're giving away Botox ham.

Tommy: Do they have to be in Melbourne? Did you say that?

Josh: Yeah. Okay. We'll just make that easier because— And Tommy might even just drop it off. Well, either you'll drop it off.

Tommy: I'm just worried. Do you reckon they could sue us if we gave them a ham that made them sick?

Josh: You are giving so much pushback to this idea. Like, listening to radio is not that bad.

Tommy: No, it is.

Josh: I mean, it's a little bit annoying, but I naturally do it anyway.

Tommy: Well, it tends to end up being when you're in the car. That's the weird thing. Like, I remember we were so strict on, oh, we had to be like, you know, pull over, you know, you're not driving. I mean, it makes it easy when you've got car systems, but you still need to manually press a button if you have like, our Hyundai has like a call function.

Josh: Yeah, we'll work it out. I'm happy to coach you and help you through the prize piggery.

Tommy: I'd be so surprised if I actually won one.

Josh: Are you kidding? I feel like you'd do a piece of piss with the amount they're giving away. Well, I'll try and work it out.

Tommy: So what stations?

Josh: I don't know, I'll do the ring around and speak to— because we fucking know people at basically every single station.

Tommy: All right, all right.

Josh: I'm sure that we'll be able to organise this.

Tommy: I actually know Kel, my old housemate from Chet. Yeah, he works on Fox FM.

Josh: Yeah, sure, maybe I can get one there. All right, well, it can't be too close. We can't— you can't be seen as rigging the competition.

Tommy: That is radio. We rigged so many competitions.

Josh: You can't, I don't know if you can say that.

Tommy: Why not?

Josh: I do actually remember, how about this for a rigged competition? I don't know if it was rigged, but my cousin used to work at Double T FM, which is now KISS, which used to be Mix. And they had a, what's the grass tennis courts in Melbourne?

Tommy: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Josh: Tooyong?

Tommy: Tooyong, yes. That's where they do the grass court comp.

Josh: They had a tennis competition basically where you could win for your kids to go down and be trained by Roach. What's his first name?

Tommy: Kevin?

Josh: No, no.

Tommy: Tony.

Josh: Tony Roach. And Tony Roach. And who?

Tommy: There's a— Yvonne Goolagong.

Josh: Yeah, Yvonne Goolagong Cawley.

Tommy: Yeah, same. I did a project on her at school.

Josh: Really?

Tommy: These are old professional tennis players.

Josh: Yeah. So anyway, my cousin worked in sales at Double T FM, and apparently they had screwed up the promotion, and they were meant to have a bunch of kids, but they didn't have them. And so all these kids who were related to the radio station got to go and be taught. And so the best part was, this was in like the early '90s, we all got, um, kitted out in Fila gear. Fila t-shirts, shorts, shoes, hats.

Tommy: Fila's back in.

Josh: Fila's fucking cool.

Tommy: It's kind of— went out, came back in.

Josh: Feel like— do you know what else has become cool again?

Tommy: What?

Josh: Champion.

Tommy: Really?

Josh: Can you explain that to me?

Tommy: I can't. When I was young, it used to be, but you'd also find the person wearing a Champion shirt would be drinking a Woodstock bourbon can and smoking a cigarette.

Josh: Yeah, it's full, but—

Tommy: and also 13 years old.

Josh: Yeah, it's, um, so Christmas time, but we've been thinking about patakis. What else is— what else do you think about when you think about Christmas?

Tommy: I got a message from my sister-in-law. She said, um, what did you want for Christmas? I was like, well, I don't know why she's asking me. I don't feel like this is unusual, hasn't happened before.

Josh: And so they're doing gifts.

Tommy: Well, I asked Amy, why is your sister asking me about present? She said, because she's got you in Secret Santa. Like, that's not a secret. If we're doing Secret Santa and she's asking me what I want, and then I'll— then she's— so basically her family, everyone just says, what do you want? And then they get that. And there's no secret about that.

Josh: What's the money restriction on it?

Tommy: I don't know that. $100. Okay, see, I'm out of the loop. $100. I asked for a hat. I asked for a hat.

Josh: That's going to be an expensive hat. What's it?

Tommy: I don't want to spend $100 on a hat. I didn't know that there was a $100 limit.

Josh: 4 hats.

Tommy: I'd take 4 hats.

Josh: What sort of hat are you getting, by the way?

Tommy: This is a rebranding thing. I just said one. No, it's just one like this. I just want a few caps for the summer. Okay. I want a few. See, this is the thing. I didn't want to— I just said a hat, this brand.

Josh: What brand?

Tommy: That will do. Juice Machina. Juice Machina. Juice Machina. D-U-E-S. D-E-U-S. I don't know. They're just like trucker cap-esque.

Josh: Style hats because you can get like trucker hats on eBay for like $4.

Tommy: I hope she gets me a cheap one so she can—

Josh: well, she'd be able to get you what, nearly like 25 hats or something if you wanted. I don't want 25. So, so do you actually like this time of year?

Tommy: Uh, not, not necessarily. There's a lot of— we, this year we had a Christmas in July and I reckon it was probably the best Christmas that we've ever had.

Josh: With who?

Tommy: With my fam, so mum and dad, my two brothers, my sister-in-law, and my wife, and Bodhi, and Jemima, who's my niece. And it was the best because there's a pressure on Christmas Day. And I've found that I think it's relating to the family. Like I've been to other people's where I'm like, I don't feel the pressure myself.

Josh: What other people? Like, who are you?

Tommy: So I've been to like partners, ex-girlfriends, my wife's family. We're doing Christmas there. I feel like there's a bit more of, like I feel like I don't have to invest so much emotionally.

Josh: You're less triggered by it all?

Tommy: I think so.

Josh: What are the triggering moments? Are there certain things that's always contentious issues?

Tommy: It's a weird time getting I mean, I should appreciate it more, but I appreciate my family as it is. But then you kind of like everyone comes together and sort of like does this sit-down lunch.

Josh: Is it the faux family thing that gets you? Like that you sort of, you feel the pressure that you have to feel like this family thing and everything needs to be good.

Tommy: I think you are just doing the mould of what Christmas looks like. I mean, not that we have a bad time, but—

Josh: Describe your type of Christmas. What does it look like?

Tommy: We've got a small family, so we haven't really done big ones. We've done some fun ones. Probably the best one was we had at our house where we had like a few ring-ins that weren't family, they were friends and they came over and it was like, we did a lamb spit. So me and my brothers were out there just like coals, had the lamb rotating.

Josh: You went to coal, oh, sorry, coals.

Tommy: The coals, the coals. We had the coals. The hot coals rotating. And yeah, I think Australian Christmas is funny because we're used to just hot stinking weather and just shorts, just like lounging around.

Josh: What do you wear on Christmas normally? I normally wear the shirt that I've been bought.

Tommy: I've never been bought a shirt.

Josh: I feel like Bree buys me some sort of Hawaiian shirt. Yeah, some sort of collared shirt. No, so that was the button up or button down. What? A shirt.

Tommy: Why? What, you— are you just letting your chest hair out?

Josh: Is it a button-up? Do you say, oh, I bought you a button-up, or I bought you a button-down?

Tommy: I'd say t-shirt for— no, no, it doesn't require buttons.

Josh: And then what if it does require buttons?

Tommy: What, you've got a polo top? No, like a real shirt. Yeah, like a shirt. Isn't it a shirt? You could say button-up shirt.

Josh: Button-up, not button-down.

Tommy: I've never been bought button-up shirt. For Christmas.

Josh: But, um, what is the go-to? What do you remember? What you get? What you got? What does your mum— does your mum buy you undies still?

Tommy: I can't remember. See, this is the thing, I don't, I don't associate it. It's like you're looking at the time of like these real rituals. Maybe that's your family. I haven't done that.

Josh: No, not crazy, but I just feel like there's certain things. I always eat way too many chocolate-coated raspberries.

Tommy: Ah, the one thing that is Christmas time is— what's the white Ferrero? So you get the Ferrero, the dark ones, Ferrero Rocher, or the other one, what's the coconutty one? I've just eaten so many of those. Ferrero Rocher. Rocher. How do you say it?

Josh: I don't know.

Tommy: You can't criticise me.

Josh: Ferrero Rocher. But there is that whole Raffaello.

Tommy: Yeah, that is a Christmas thing for me.

Josh: Yeah, the 'Cause there's a scene from, I think it's Little Britain. I've never seen Little Britain, but my mate Naysan, if he ever sees Ferrero shares, apparently there's a scene where they walk into a house of a rich person and she sees Ferrero shares on the table in like a bowl. And she says, Ferrero share, she must be doing well. Which, that's what I just think about anyway.

Tommy: Toblerone. For some reason they pump them out at Christmas time.

Josh: Is that like a dad gift? I feel like it's always something I, like Father's Day, get dad Toblerone.

Tommy: Amy's just said she got me one for Father's Day.

Josh: So yeah, well, I feel like I've always, Toblerone, the other thing I associate it with is the airport. I've always dreamt of getting one of those big kilo ones and eating the whole thing on the flight and shitting my pants. But, um, I find it interesting, the whole Christmas thing, because I was talking to Conspiracy Jimmy. It went really dark. He said, oh, you need to see Home Alone, which I have seen.

Tommy: Yeah.

Josh: But then he used it as an opportunity to call out Hollywood being full of paedophiles and saying that them referring to his love for cheese pizza is actually code for child pornography.

Tommy: Yeah. Cheese pizza guy.

Josh: Did you know about this?

Tommy: I know about pizza guy. I'm not even going to go there because it's—

Josh: He also said Anderson Cooper from CNN. This is all just while I was waiting for you this morning for coffee.

Tommy: And all you'd asked is, what are you up to for Christmas?

Josh: Yeah, so, for Christmas, he ended up telling me that Anderson Cooper, the anchor on CNN, apparently he's got connections with the CIA. He thinks that he's a CIA agent. Not only him, but he was also saying that Ben Affleck's mum was from the CIA. And he was saying, don't you think it's interesting that Matt Damon and Ben Affleck both became so successful so young at 22? And he said the reason— I don't know, I can't fact-check all this stuff— but he was saying the reason was, was because basically the CIA made them, uh, to be successful so that they could have agents within Hollywood. So Ben Affleck and Matt Damon as CIA agents as well as as well as Anderson Cooper. So that's what, like, I asked Jimmy about Christmas, and that's what he told me because I was telling him all about—

Tommy: Christmas came early. Yeah, for you.

Josh: Oh no, because I was telling him about, um, this Elf on a Shelf.

Tommy: Elf on a Shelf? What's Elf on a Shelf?

Josh: Now this feels very radio that we're talking about this, but you don't know about it.

Tommy: You're the guy who's asked me to try— we're giving away Botox ham. Fucking Botox ham on a podcast.

Josh: Which is exciting.

Tommy: That could not be more radio. But no, the Elf on the Shelf.

Josh: What is this? It is, it's a book. And the idea is that it talks about this elf that's on a shelf and it's like dressed up like an elf, like a Christmas elf. And maybe I'm gonna go into the adult version. So if you've got kids in cars, maybe remove them. It's gonna get real raunchy now. Now Elf on the Shelf, it's obviously, a magical elf. And what happens is that it will do shit, like at night. So, for instance, if you're being naughty, all of a sudden you'll wake up. My cousin the other day, her kid woke up to a letter from the Elf on the Shelf, and he had a potato. And the elf said that he's being naughty. That my cousin's kid's being naughty and that Santa has instructed that for every time he's naughty, he replaces one present with a potato. And so, this is what Elf on the Shelf— Not only that, but Elf on the Shelf is also— He's magical. So, the other thing is that he'll— You can— There was one storey on social media. Bri was telling me this because I'm completely out of the loop at the moment. But that you can leave, you can put egg, like one egg into a bowl and then you add some sugar on it. And if you leave it in the morning, Elf on the Shelf is there and he's fucking baked cookies out of it. There's just a bunch of cookies, like magic. He's just like magic. But the raunchy bit is, which isn't kid-friendly, Santa, Santa stories. I was asking Jimmy, when did you find out about Santa? Yeah, when did you find out?

Tommy: I knew from day one. I've got two older brothers.

Josh: Really? Day one? Do you actually remember the moment?

Tommy: I cannot remember. I cannot remember having any understanding of— I see. I don't even want to go there because if somebody is listening— Okay, I don't. So I knew from very early, and that was because of my brother. So I had no No difference.

Josh: Well, it was all on CNN and everything. Like every year Santa is on CNN. I think it's fucking Anderson Cooper from the CIA spinning the CIA propaganda.

Tommy: You said yesterday you were 13.

Josh: Yeah, I was 13. That's outrageous. And it happened in a very upsetting way. Mum screamed it at me. Why? Because I decided to—

Tommy: Push back Lynn?

Josh: Yeah, I decided to— she was going out and I She decided that she wanted all different Christmas decorations, wanted to go sort of monochrome in the colours. Monotone? Monochrome? Anyway, single, like gold or silver. And I was old enough that I could stay home while she was out. And she said to me, can you— don't touch the Christmas tree. The Christmas tree was up and all the box of old decorations were there. She said, don't do anything, wait until I get home. And I thought that I would surprise her by when she got home, I was going to have it fully decorated. And so, as soon as she left, I went, "Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo," and went up and put it all up. And she got home and she was furious because she told me not to. And she said, "Take them down." And she said— I said, "No." And she said, "If you don't take them down, you're not getting any presents for Christmas." I said, "Mum, it's too late. It's December. You know, it's not going to get to Santa." And in that moment she told me, she screamed it at me.

Tommy: Well, can you please reenact this?

Josh: I'm gonna say it, so guys, this is a fair warning. I think The Project got in trouble once for like saying something. All right, kids in cars, turn this off. Yeah, because Mum turned around and viciously said, Josh, Santa isn't real!

Tommy: Oh, and what did you do?

Josh: I fucking Like, it's like the equivalent of your life being turned upside down. And I just, I ran off.

Tommy: The problem was you were 13, so your balls had started to drop, your testosterone was flowing through your body.

Josh: Yeah, I was pretty late to the party. I didn't have pubes. Cheers, Chris. Yeah, that's literally what I was gonna say. I was like, probably not relevant for the story.

Tommy: I'm glad the realisation came before pubes.

Josh: Yeah, and so I, it was pre-pube. And I just remember crying into the floral couch. The ugly floral couch that Mum and Dad used to have. And I was just like, I couldn't— I was just trying to understand where everything was placed. Like, I was trying to understand like, what is real, what's not. Like, straight away I'm like, well, Jesus isn't real. Definitely not real. If, if Santa's not real, Jesus isn't real.

Tommy: It's, it's an understanding.

Josh: Well, why would you bullshit? I mean, the thing is, yeah, why would you bullshit about Santa? And then all of a sudden like, oh no, God and Jesus are real. So I'm like, okay. But then the other thing, I just remember like I couldn't even put my words together. I just remember being like, what about the bunny?

Tommy: Oh no, you believed in the bunny too? Far out.

Josh: The whole thing, the bunny, the fucking— I was still getting fucking Tooth Fairy, the whole lot.

Tommy: Diminishing returns.

Josh: So expensive for Mum and Dad.

Tommy: For keeping the lie going.

Josh: Yeah.

Tommy: What about kids at school? Did they know that you—

Josh: Well, this was the fucked up thing because I was talking to Jimmy about it and he was saying that His family didn't have a lot of money. So, he found out pretty, he was sort of had this conversation with his mum where he's like, "Mum, our cousins are getting all this stuff." And he's like, "I want this." And his mum was like, "Well, Jimmy, there is no Santa and we have to buy them." And he understood it and he saw it as a big responsibility. Me on the other hand, and this is the fucked up bit, is I remember being at school in primary school and kids. I went to a pretty low socioeconomic school, real sort of spectrum of kids. And I remember kids telling me and saying Santa wasn't real. And I remember that I was old enough to swear. I remember being quite vicious about it and saying like, I think it's fucking disgusting that your parents are taking credit for Santa. I just saw it as a real like—

Tommy: But you still had the belief that he was real?

Josh: Yeah, absolutely. I thought— And so I felt like I was embarrassed, if not anything, because I'd been thinking about how strong I was, strong-headed at school, and just calling everyone liars.

Tommy: And the— see, here's the thing, it's a call that you need to make to decide whether to keep the lie going. And if you challenge me on taking a grape from fucking the supermarket, but you're okay to spin a vicious lie that goes across years and years and years, it was beautiful.

Josh: It was magical for me. I was like, I was I swear that like I couldn't understand any of it.

Tommy: Pretty vicious though. Like, I think it's more brutal that your mum comes out that moment.

Josh: Oh, well, that was the vicious bit, but it was lovely that they held on to it.

Tommy: And then what happened? What happened after? Have you spoken to your mum about this since?

Josh: Oh yeah, I bring it up every Christmas.

Tommy: And what does your mum say? She feels guilty? I'm sure she's—

Josh: I think she's like, oh, you know, you were being a little cunt, you know, that type of deal.

Tommy: But no, I think it's a question I've trying to grapple with, do I tell Bodhi or do you keep it going?

Josh: I think you keep it going. Don't you think? Like what's—

Tommy: I don't think it affected me, the not knowing.

Josh: But there is something in the imagination. I remember having arguments with my— So there's so many times Mum could have told me. One of them was when I would want to use all the milk that we had to give to Santa into a big cup. Mum's always like, just give him a small glass. I'm like, no. He's been fucking out all day. We're giving him a full massive glass and it used to drive her insane.

Tommy: So you're connecting your ability to have a creativity to— Yeah, for your imagination based around that stuff.

Josh: Yeah, I used to think that. Oh yeah, there's so many things like I would really— I remember the intensity of going to bed the night before Christmas and just thinking that he's going to be in the house. And I would hear, I think the fuckers used to, as in my parents, would like have bells or whatever. So I thought I could hear Santa's reindeer.

Tommy: I say, I remember this kid that I was best friends with who we saw in the street around here in Collingwood. So we were really close when we were super young and he was like convinced he was packing his bags, calling me, Santa's coming to pick us up tonight, pack your bags. I was, and I entertained him. I was like, yeah, and you guys, and I packed my bags, just had a bit of fun with it too. But I knew that he wasn't real, and he was like talking about— and so I remember my imagination about this sort of Santa's workshop.

Josh: You were both high at the time?

Tommy: No, this was too young. This is very young. But I remember exercising my imagination, but I still knew. So I don't— it's, it's a very hard— it's, it's so hard.

Josh: I did sort of look around. The annoying thing was that I was like one of the final ones. It wasn't like at Christmas at the family thing, it wasn't like, now Josh, make sure you don't say anything. I think literally everyone else knew.

Tommy: Yeah, see, that's hard, but it is a bit of fun. Yeah, but is it? It's a big fucking lie to a child. But I want— so Joshua Fields Millburn, The Minimalist, yeah, what do you reckon he's— his deal is like, what do you think his thoughts are around minimalism and having it, having a kid that just wants gifts, gifts, gifts. Because maybe that's where we learn a lot of this stuff.

Josh: It's like, uh, closing the loop, uh, from yesterday, Charity Water. Charity Water was the charity I was thinking of. I was just thinking, because I've just thought, what would Joshua Fields Millburn do? And be like, look, Santa donated, uh, 100 bucks.

Tommy: Yeah, you can buy a little villager goat.

Josh: Yeah.

Tommy: But it is like, kids want more and more.

Josh: Want more.

Tommy: I just can tell what Bodhi's gonna do. And Amy's gonna spoil, love giving him presents. Look at her, she looks like a sad puppy dog right now that I'm talking like this. It's, yeah, I don't know the answer and I'm just avoiding it for the next couple of years 'cause we don't have to.

Josh: Don't have to spend big.

Tommy: We don't have to spend big. Actually, I wanna get him a bike. I wanna get him stuff, but no, it comes from me. Son, we've worked hard for this bike and now you've got the bike. So you can—

Josh: I think I remember hearing someone say that they would get Santa to give pretty shitty presents and then they would give the good ones. So they would give like, ah, like Santa's given you like a yo-yo or whatever. Yeah, we got you a bike. And that was a way of doing it where it's like never too high status on the presents from Santa because I remember I remember asking, I don't know why I didn't question it. I would have been like 10 or whatever. I remember asking for a diamond ring for my mum.

Tommy: Oh, for your mum?

Josh: Yeah.

Tommy: So you'd ask, you tell mum, yeah, I wanted Santa to get, or did you write it?

Josh: Yeah, I wrote it in like a letter to him, but I was like, I'm actually going to get a bunch of stuff that I can then give to people.

Tommy: Yeah, it is completely consumer-driven Christmas. Like, think about the movies that sort of, uh, cheese pizza. Yeah, New York City shop windows, toy stores, buying gifts, wrapping them up. Like, it's all driven by the consumer market. It's disgusting. But it's also—

Josh: it's very cynical. Yeah, I know, I understand, or whatever.

Tommy: But there is that other side to it. Like, I enjoy Christmas.

Josh: Do you ever do churchy stuff? Do you ever go to—

Tommy: no. Oh, we used to go to Midnight Mass. Some— we did that a few years.

Josh: What's that like?

Tommy: Oh, it's just midnight. You go there as it goes to Christmas. It's, um—

Josh: do you do the communion? Communion? Is that what— what's the thing called with the little piece of bread?

Tommy: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't remember if we did that.

Josh: I'm sure we've ever done that.

Tommy: Yeah, but we'd go up— it was at the top of my street— and, um, and we'd go there. Yeah, I remember that a couple of times. But I would like a white Christmas. Maybe I'd change my tune if there was snow and it really was like the movies.

Josh: Well, talking to my brother this morning, North Carolina, it took him an hour and a half to leave his house this morning shovelling snow.

Tommy: Holy shit.

Josh: Yeah, they had a huge amount. So there you go. I was asking about the Mr. Plow thing, but apparently that's only sort of the main streets and you have to do your own thing.

Tommy: So yeah, we've got it different here in Australia. If you're from overseas, it's stinking hot, sweaty. And lots of beer being drank, or drunk.

Josh: And a lot of raspberry, chocolate-coated raspberries. Oh yeah, love them. Do you actually do them or no?

Tommy: No, mate.

Josh: Pavlova, do you get pav? Yeah, yeah, it's great.

Tommy: Definitely pav.

Josh: All right, turkey, are you a turkey guy? I prefer— we do the turkey loaf, you know, the one—

Tommy: that's good, that's easy.

Josh: Yeah, that's easy. I don't know why we don't do that all year round.

Tommy: What, turkey?

Josh: Turkey, yeah, because it really is a thing where it's like we have chicken. Actually, I've got a friend who doesn't eat poultry. Really weird. Anyway, she eats, she also other types of meat, but just not poultry. All right, I will try and get this doccy ham because what I'd love to do, like, it just, you know, behind the peeking behind the curtains, what I just really want to play a bit of audio of you on air getting the, the tokki ham. That would be funny, especially if it was like an AM station. That'd be great. Bruce and Phil or something. Hi@thedailytalkshow.com if you want that, uh, tokki ham. The first person. Don't overestimate the amount of emails we get. So, even if you're hearing this in a week's time, send us the email anyway with your address because you might be walking away with a tokki if you're in Melbourne.

Tommy: Hand delivered.

Josh: And delivered by Hammy. Ham delivered. Ham delivered. Very clever. The Daily Talk Show, everyone. Have a good one.

Tommy: See you guys.