Scooter Derek, This Is Your Life

Tommy: The Daily Talk Show.

Josh: It's the Daily Talk Show episode— oh, I just turned up my mic a little bit there.

Tommy: The one time Josh will want to redo the intro, which happens rarely because he always pushes back on me doing it, is the one time you had your volume right down. Do you want to do it again?

Josh: I'm fine with that.

Tommy: You sure?

Josh: It's episode 314 and it's Fat Fridays.

Tommy: What's going on, Derek?

Josh: Scooter Derek.

Derek: I'm starving and I just want to say a great big thank you to you guys for bringing me a sandwich.

Josh: Well, I specifically told you that we were going to eat.

Tommy: Yeah, well, it's Fat Friday, so there's— that has to happen.

Josh: But he accidentally ate a curry, he said, before he came.

Derek: Look, all right, my wife and I have a thing we call— it's called a dignity burger, right? So if you're going to a wedding and you think it's going to be some hoity-toity affair where you're going to get, you know, when you chase down the guy with a plate.

Tommy: Yeah, he's got the aranci balls.

Derek: So we have a burger on the way to the wedding so that we have some level of dignity. Yeah, right. So I thought, well, what I'll do is at 12 o'clock I'll nip out between recordings.

Josh: Yes.

Derek: And I'll nip out and get a snack.

Josh: A curry isn't a snack.

Derek: I just stood there and I saw this curry and I just went, what?

Tommy: Out of the Bay Marie, you just like, that's me. Yeah.

Derek: So I smashed the curry in about 5 minutes.

Tommy: I will say I, I felt slightly insecure, uh, earlier in the week we did a live show with Craig Harper. And a lovely lady was there who said, "Oh, I listen to the show." I thought everyone was there for Craig. Turned out some people actually listened to us. And she said, 'cause I yelled out to Josh, "Josh, she listens!" And then she says, "Yeah." I said, "What do you like?" She says, "You talk a lot about food." And I think she's fallen on Fat Friday episodes where we're just knee-deep in the food banter. Which will be no different today. What we got in front of us is— actually, hang on, I just need it.

Josh: What are you doing?

Tommy: He's just measuring tape.

Josh: Well, we— so can I guess how long it is?

Tommy: Yeah, sure. You and I have played that game before.

Josh: It's two, and we know who won. Two foot.

Derek: Well, that's 8 inches.

Josh: It's two foot.

Tommy: Two foot sandwich. Uh, Scooter Derrick.

Derek: That's beautiful.

Tommy: And what do you think it is? This is— we're taking— what's the game now, mate?

Derek: It's lovely. I just, I just feel a bit embarrassed. Are you having one as well?

Tommy: What do you think lengthwise?

Derek: Lengthwise? Oh, okay.

Tommy: Uh, this— he'll get it. He's the most handy guy in this room.

Josh: In this room's not safe.

Derek: I'm just gonna say just under 2 foot. I'm gonna say 22 inches.

Tommy: Uh, 22 inches. So we've gone 2 foot and 22 inches.

Josh: Why are we doing it all in feet? We should have—

Tommy: yeah, I reckon inch-wise, got inches on the thing. 24 inches.

Josh: So if we're talking centimeters, can we do cm, just as a final thing. It's 70 cm.

Tommy: Uh, I reckon 60, 62. What do you reckon, Des? Yeah, well, 22 inches, which is what?

Derek: Oh, I don't know.

Tommy: Oh, we're saying centimeters.

Derek: 25.4 times— okay, hey Siri, times 22.

Tommy: Here we go. I mean, this is gone.

Josh: How many centimetres in 22 inches?

Tommy: Okay, 22 inches is 55.88 Oh, Derek was the closest. It's 52 centimetres long, so you get to eat the whole thing. You get it all.

Josh: It works. I'll take that. So what's inside, TJ?

Tommy: This is a Reuben sandwich, one of your favorite, Josh, uh, from Casati's. Just had Nikki whip it up for me. They don't usually sell them this long. They're usually, you know, some nicer bread. So I ended up going to Coles and getting a, um, this loaf, this— what do you call it— like a rustic Breadstick.

Josh: Can we start eating it now?

Tommy: I know you, you get this thing about you, Josh, when you get like you're beyond hungry and you actually lose your marbles a bit. You just start looking around.

Josh: I was— I purposefully didn't eat. Well, how are we going to cut? Is that my piece? Is that too big?

Tommy: Yeah, so hold that end for you, Derek. You hold the middle bit, you hold that, and so then I can hold this because that will be partly mine. I'll give Mr.

Derek: 97 a bite for a bit of elbow grease there, mate.

Tommy: Miss, uh, I was gonna say Mr. Derek. Scooter Derek, oh, you are a guy who has a storey on everything in the nicest possible way. Not like the guy who's got an annoying storey on everything. A big talkster. No, no, no. Josh and I find you intriguing. Just that you're interesting. Intriguing, interesting. The amount of rebrands you've done across your life. I, I dare say you look the same you've done the rebrand in terms of career and what your sort of hobbies are, shit like that. But I thought— so I was at the supermarket before, I was like, I want to find something and just show it to you to see if you have a storey on it. And then I was like, I need an obscure item from the supermarket. So I went and asked the lady where this specific item is, and she cringed as I said it. And so I'll show you what that item is.

Derek: Hang on, I didn't even know they sold those at supermarkets.

Josh: Squeegees.

Derek: Oh, here we go.

Tommy: All right, so right here is a can of Spam.

Derek: Oh, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam.

Josh: Have you ever— what is— yeah, what was—

Tommy: were you—

Josh: it's not like you're quoting a film?

Derek: Yeah, it was a reference to Monty Python, a skit.

Josh: And so, um, do you have any Spam stories?

Derek: I've got it. Look, can I just start with one thing?

Josh: Can I just guess? Oh, sorry, I was just gonna guess that you fucking love it.

Derek: I love Spam. Spam is like a bum bag, or you call it a fanny pack. It makes sense, it's great, but you just— everyone's just too embarrassed to use it. So it's revolting as a notion. I don't know, stuff.

Josh: And what does it taste like?

Derek: I'm not tasting ham, right? Spam, spiced ham.

Tommy: Is that what it stands for? Okay, do you want me to read you the ingredients?

Josh: Is it okay that I'm getting stuff on the desk?

Tommy: That's fine. So the ingredients are pork, 92%, water, salt, thickener, sugar, preservatives, color, humectant, chemical 1520. I don't know what that is, but is there anything like— what, is there any storeys that you have around Spam from your life, from your rebrands across the years?

Derek: I did once, I had a combi you know what a combi is? Yeah, Volkswagen bus camper that had a small can of Spam that just lived on the dash as a— not opened, but it just lived there as a, like, a decoration instead of like a wobble head or an Elvis or something. Yeah, just this can of Spam, a bit of conversation starter, I suppose, and just letting people know I'm not a vegan hippie in a combi.

Josh: Well, it's got the brand, like, it's actually got quite, um, So like a brand that sticks out, don't you think? Like it's sort of old school cool.

Tommy: Uh, it's like the pop art, it's like the Campbell's cans. Mr. 97, I wasn't sure what he meant by dripping. Can you run around the back and get some toilet paper for Josh over there? Because there is oil going all over the table.

Josh: You said it was fine.

Tommy: I know I did because I thought it was just like you were dropping bits out of the sandwich. Didn't realise it was going to pour out water or whatever that is.

Derek: And when I start, it's going to be a lot worse.

Tommy: So the word you're looking for is it's iconic. The branding of this is iconic. There's like a friend of mine makes, um, it's like pottery, but it's like pop art pottery. It's like old Fanta bottles and things like that. And so he, he makes these out of, yeah, what do you call it, porcelain? Not porcelain, like, um, clay. And then sort of paints them. And so they're like pieces of art. And so that's what you were doing. You were using it as a art installation.

Derek: Yeah, and people thought I was being ironic, but I did— I do actually like it. I'm the only one in the world, I think.

Tommy: Well, you can have that, mate, because there's not a chance now I'm not going on my stash.

Josh: Have we already asked Eric to list all of the, um—

Tommy: who's Eric?

Josh: Derek. I had a moment. Derek. Have we asked Eric? Jesus Christ, third time lucky. I need that scooter, Derek. Scooter Derek. Yeah, uh, the— I'm getting hot now. Scooter Derek. Yeah, uh, your jobs, the different jobs you've had over the years. Have we spoken about this? Have you—

Derek: you don't know them all.

Josh: Can you list them all please while I eat?

Derek: I'm trying to think of them.

Josh: Go back to the very beginning. What was your first ever job?

Derek: A trolley— we called them trolley pushers. You know what a trolley pusher is?

Tommy: Yeah, like at the supermarket, they're collecting all the trolleys.

Derek: Yeah, yeah, in those days it was done by, you know, a 16-year-old.

Tommy: Yeah.

Derek: And so there was a new shopping centre in Mural Bark where I grew up.

Josh: That's such a good idea, by the way. Mr. 97's just brought plates. I didn't even think about that.

Derek: He's a thinker. A 94 would not have thought of that.

Josh: No.

Tommy: Well, a 43 and a 0.

Josh: 6.

Tommy: Definitely didn't think of that.

Josh: Go on, sorry Derek. Thank you.

Derek: What did I— what did I get?

Josh: Scooter. So the scooter— I'm sorry, the trolleys.

Derek: I was a trolley boy, that's what we were called. So there was a large ramp, we had to go out into the world and get trolleys, pile them up. So we would collect all the trolleys and get them ready somewhere and then go and sort of Crack on to the girls that worked in the chemist shop and stuff like that. So who would buy UDLs from Coles and smash a few UDLs and then quickly run back and put the trolleys back in? Good job.

Josh: How were you paid, do you remember? Just cash? UDLs?

Derek: $2.60 an hour when I started. It's pretty good.

Josh: What year?

Derek: '82, maybe 1982.

Josh: So, uh, Tommy and I announced yesterday that maybe we might be leaving Easy Street. I know he's doing— you're doing an angry face.

Derek: Yeah, I am.

Josh: You've got Castaway Studios up the road, up on Easy Street. Uh, what was Easy— who the fuck's phone keeps dinging, by the way?

Tommy: It's yours, dude.

Josh: So is it my—

Tommy: be careful.

Josh: Uh, it's my— see, this is a problem. I've set up iMessage accidentally on my computer, and so now every fucking time I get a message, it dings and everything.

Derek: What's the drink?

Josh: What is it, TJ?

Tommy: Have a sip.

Derek: You know what it is. Another secret mystery.

Tommy: Well, I did think there's a storey out of this.

Josh: A pinky fizzy sort of drink.

Tommy: But we're weaving hard today. We've gone from his jods, then to Easy Street, now back to a mystery drink. But what is it? You know what— no, I'm talking to you.

Derek: Oh, okay.

Tommy: Scooter Derek.

Derek: It's, it's, it's got no real sugar in it, but it still tastes delicious.

Josh: Yeah. What do you think it is?

Tommy: It must be—

Derek: I'm not getting any NutraSweet kind of back beat.

Josh: No, it's kombucha.

Derek: It's got to be kombucha.

Josh: Yeah, so did you know it was kombucha.com?

Derek: But I'm guessing it is.

Josh: Yeah, no, it is kombucha.

Tommy: Yeah, so anyway, which one is—

Josh: so you were going easy straight.

Tommy: We don't want to hear about his jobs. You're bored of them.

Derek: No, we got—

Josh: we went through the, the trolley one.

Tommy: You wanted a list of all of them.

Josh: I did want specifically—

Tommy: I want all your jobs.

Derek: Okay, point form.

Tommy: All right, okay, just quickly, quickly, because we're bored.

Derek: I was a trolley boy and And then I worked in the nightclub when I was at uni.

Tommy: Bouncing? What we doing?

Derek: No, being a— they called it that, they called it a glassy.

Tommy: Okay, glassy.

Derek: And then what do they do? So it's the biggest, newest disco. And in fact, you're going to tell Josh what actually happens in nightclubs. I'm not allowed to.

Josh: What's this rated?

Derek: Ah, so unrated. So this big fancy nightclub called Area. And it was in the '80s, so it was a massive million dollars put in.

Josh: Where was this?

Derek: In Croydon Hotel.

Tommy: Oh yeah.

Derek: So Molly Meldrum, Shirley Strawn, all the DJs from LA, and it was just like huge. And the DJ booth went up and down on gas lifts for no reason. And it was just that cutting edge pastel craziness. And I popped in there and asked for a job and they said, yeah, sure, come in and go to one of the motel rooms. On Saturday night, 7 o'clock. So I went down there, but I have— I don't know why, but I went there, all the staff there were dressed in really kooky shit. They had their hair sprayed with color, fluoro colour hairspray.

Josh: Was that very '80s?

Derek: They had like bow ties with coloured lights in them and kooky. It was just kooky, deliberately kooky, and they were all kooky. So it was obviously a thing.

Tommy: Can you turn your mic down please, Josh? It's disgusting. It's disgusting.

Derek: So I turned up dressed like a Blues Brother. So full suit.

Tommy: Hang on, wait, did you get the kooky memo or you just rocked up?

Derek: I said, what do I wear? I said, what do I wear? And they said, just jeans and a t-shirt will be fine. We'll take care of the rest. And we're like, oh fuck. So I've gone along as a Blues Brother, full hat. I found some sunnies in my mum's drawer that were purple, but they were kind of right. And texted them black in the frame. And I went along, tiny thin tie, wasn't hard to find in those days, we all had them. And I went along and I just went deadpan, I said, "I was told to come here." And the girl was in there, the hairdressing girl dressing all the staff up, and she turned and she said, "You're fine as you are." I was like, and they're all going, "Oh, you bastard." They hated on me because I'd got to be sort of cool.

Tommy: Yeah.

Derek: And they had to be all fluorescent. And I used to go around busing though with the sunnies on, couldn't see shit.

Josh: What the fuck is busing though?

Tommy: So busing is the guy with the tray, drink tray, and it's like gronks like us have half finished a drink and he has to take it back to the cupboard.

Josh: '97, what did you actually think busing was when you heard them say bussing? Did you know what they were talking about? No, I had no idea. Yeah, I thought, I literally thought it was you out the front like monitoring buses.

Tommy: Conspiracy Jimmy used to be a bussy. He, yeah, he spent about time— he found so much stuff, like on the ground. I found hundreds of bucks and hundreds of bickies.

Derek: Yeah, yeah, well, bickies weren't around in my day.

Tommy: What would you find then? What was the drug back then? Cash, Robbo.

Josh: No one has cash anymore.

Derek: Broken glass fights. In those days they had— before they, uh, had controlled bouncers.

Josh: Yeah.

Derek: You had a different group. They had that many bouncers in there.

Josh: What do you mean controlled bouncers?

Derek: What do you have to have a licence and you had to do a course?

Josh: And so that wasn't at the start, it was free for all.

Derek: So you had a group of kind of kickboxers and you had a group that were like Vietnam vets, like ex-soldiers, and you had a group that were just like super tough guys. So just like gangs groups. Yeah, all working as bouncers.

Tommy: Yes.

Derek: And if there's no trouble of a night, sometimes at the end when everyone's sitting down, they had primitive tap system, so they had to run off about 20 jugs to clean the taps.

Josh: Yeah.

Derek: So we all had to drink it all, as much as possible. But these bouncers would start fighting each other though.

Josh: Yeah, so the bouncers were bigger issues than the actual—

Derek: they throw people through the windows.

Tommy: And yeah, so is nothing strange. Um, you know who was a bouncer at potentially— it might have been a Ringwood nightclub Craig Harper.

Josh: Really?

Tommy: So when he, in his day, used to, you know, 110 kilos solid, used to work out one of those, like there's those mega clubs, Juice Nightclub, I bet you somewhere out that way.

Derek: But he's had a big gym, like World Gym opened up there.

Tommy: Really? Any connection with a gym, it's probably him.

Josh: And so what other, what other jobs?

Tommy: So you've got your bussy, uh, uh, trolley guy, bussy, right?

Derek: Then it got Then I worked as a storeman in a tile shop for a little while. Then I can't remember what happened. I worked at— then I started working as barman when I was studying Geelong.

Tommy: Yeah.

Derek: And then it sort of all dried. Oh, what'd I do after that? But then I became what was known as a hallkeeper. This is a fascinating job. It's like the lowest you can get in a local council.

Josh: Hallkeeper.

Derek: So it's the guy who has to do everything that everyone goes, Well, that's not my job kind of thing. You're like a caretaker, security of a venue, chauffeur of the offices, of the main office.

Tommy: Is it like a fixer?

Derek: Hundreds of people. And in those days, the offices, everyone smoked durries.

Josh: Yeah.

Derek: So you had an open-plan office, enormous open-plan office that had 250, 300 people working in there in like, like in the movies, the newspaper office or whatever, all punching durries. And ashtrays and you'd cruise through and the whole place stunk.

Josh: Were you a smoker?

Derek: Yeah, yeah, so I didn't even notice.

Josh: When did you— because you don't smoke now, do you?

Tommy: No.

Josh: What was the quitting date? When did you quit?

Tommy: What was your last durry?

Derek: No, I haven't got a date for it. It was—

Josh: give us a year, paint a picture.

Derek: I'm guessing possibly about 12 years ago.

Tommy: Is it not that long ago?

Derek: Or maybe more. Maybe more.

Josh: No, you can't just say more just because Tommy said it wasn't long ago. It's a good response. Oh, actually, maybe it was 18 years ago. What was the—

Derek: I was feeling a bit short of breath. I went to a doctor and it was this doctor in Smith Street and she was a Sri Lankan woman and she— and I said, oh, just like a short of breath. I think there's something wrong with me because I was just a boy back then. Yeah, probably not not even 40. And, and she just went, I want you to go up there to this place and do a test. And she just wrote down emphysema, question mark. Fucking just wrote it down and slid it across the table. And I'm going, what? And I just like, I wasn't even— I didn't even think about the emphysema for the moment. I just went straight to, what sort of shit is this?

Josh: What sort of fact is that?

Derek: Shit doctoring, man. Yeah, you just 'You just can't do that. At least tell me what it even is and whether it's like a—

Josh: how bad it is or something. I don't know anything about it.' Luckily doctors have bad enough handwriting that you normally can't actually read what they're saying.

Derek: Clear as day.

Josh: I was like, 'Oh.' And so you went for the— you went for the emphasis? Yeah, I did.

Tommy: Yeah.

Derek: And it was— it was okay, I think.

Josh: And so that was— that was that the period of like—

Derek: I didn't have a cigarette after that.

Josh: Really?

Derek: That's all it took? Oh yeah.

Tommy: Well, then she was the best doctor. That you could have possibly gone to.

Derek: Technically, yeah, she saved my life with her brutality.

Tommy: Yeah, that's funny.

Josh: Yeah, yeah. And so the— that hall manager job, or what was it called? A hall—

Derek: hallkeepers.

Josh: Okay, job.

Tommy: Yeah, are they still in existence?

Derek: Yeah, yeah. God, it's the person that runs the show at a council facility. So if you go to a hall or a community center, there's a dude there who's let you in. You know, it's kind of— for 21st century, it was like 19 or 20 or something like that, or 21. Yeah, so it was grouse.

Josh: Did you finish high school?

Derek: Yeah, went to uni.

Tommy: What was your, uh, there was no ATAR back then. What was it, HSC?

Derek: 265.

Tommy: Yeah, which is a number, it's higher than 97, but it's a different metric. It's millimetres versus centimeters.

Derek: The big, a 97, the equivalent, the big gun, like you're a legend.

Tommy: Yeah, it was about 330 or So he got a 320 essentially back in your day?

Derek: No, no, he probably got 340.

Josh: Okay. And so what did you actually study in school?

Derek: Math, science, physics, chemistry.

Josh: Oh, sorry, in uni?

Derek: Same.

Josh: But wait, don't you do it like a degree or something? Or no, how does uni work?

Derek: Yeah, yeah, it's a science degree.

Josh: Okay.

Derek: Yeah.

Josh: And what was the actual— was that a dumb question on my behalf?

Derek: No, it was a great question. I just try to avoid having to say I dropped out after a term.

Josh: No, everyone dropped out. The smartest people in the room drop out on the first one. So, um, you realised that it wasn't for you. Did you— like, was it free uni back then?

Derek: Yeah, but I was, I was cut because I had to pay, I think it was $180 for the year, union fees. I was like, this is ridiculous, education's supposed to be free.

Josh: And so, um, and so is it easy because you weren't paying? Was it pretty easy to drop out?

Derek: It's always hard to drop out when you're part of that system where your parents come from working class Glasgow Commission and they do everything in their powers to get you to a private school, work their guts out and get you up to a point where they think they— and then you, you go to uni, but you're part of that program, that sort of, I suppose, less informed programme that doesn't really cover the arts and creativity. But it just keeps you going through maths and science, and then you get to uni, you turn in and go, what the fuck?

Tommy: Yeah, what's this for?

Derek: You've had such a good time after HSC that your brain can't even function anyway.

Tommy: Yeah, so when did the entrepreneurial, you know, the business mind of you come to the forefront?

Derek: I reckon I went to— I went and studied fashion design Course you fucking did.

Josh: This guy.

Derek: Why?

Josh: How does that even happen? Was it like a dating technique?

Derek: I'm not a little bit unsure about what—

Josh: this is getting loose now. Derek's picking up his, um, he's taking a bit—

Tommy: no, I get it.

Josh: That's a good— it's actually a better idea breaking it down like that. The problem is that as the guest, you talk the most, so it's going to be— oh yeah, just 97 can come in. I thought giving a few visuals Yeah, that's good.

Derek: Um, I don't know why I started making my own clothes. I think when I was working at the disco, I started, and I went into the city and there was an ancient— it was called the Job Warehouse, and there was an ancient warehouse somewhere at the top of maybe Bourke Street, and it was literally just dusty old warehouse with old rolls of fabric. It was amazing.

Josh: It's like an old-fashioned—

Derek: people would go there and Yeah, it was like a spotlight from the 1950s that have just frozen in time.

Josh: Real dusty.

Derek: It was, yeah, it was all dusty.

Tommy: Not there anymore.

Derek: And I used to go in there because you couldn't get a Hawaiian shirt. That's what happened. You couldn't get a Hawaiian shirt in the '80s because it wasn't allowed.

Josh: What do you mean?

Derek: Well, it was just totally not allowed because it was only from the decade before. So it was like, fuck that right off. You couldn't wear brown.

Josh: What do you mean?

Derek: There's no brown in the '80s.

Josh: I've missed a whole history.

Tommy: What's the equivalent of a fashion trend now? Now that would— is relatable to the young, the young kids in the room, Mr. 97.

Derek: There's things you can't do. Like, you guys went through— probably went through a period where you couldn't wear a flanno for a few years.

Tommy: Yeah, flannos have definitely gone.

Derek: As a response to the '90s grunge thing. And that would come—

Tommy: Crosby shoes, like those Crocs. Crocs are probably the big one, but they're popular and then they go out and they actually come back in based on how unpopular they are.

Josh: Yeah.

Tommy: And the pushback that, you know, hipsters have. So you're at— you're a fashionista now.

Josh: But you were trying to find a Hawaiian shirt, couldn't find one.

Derek: You couldn't get a Hawaiian shirt in Melbourne in 1984. In Melbourne, fluoro had hit really hard. There was no Hawaiian.

Josh: This is the start of some sort of film, don't you think? Fluoro's hit hard.

Derek: It had been invented pretty much in, what, '82 or something?

Josh: This is a great storey to go alongside shirgs-shirts.com.

Derek: It's sort of like, what product are you going to sell? Yeah.

Josh: Go on.

Derek: Yeah, so I was in job warehouse and I found some old original Hawaiian shirt fabric, and then I went, well, I better go and get the trading post out and get a sewing machine. And that was it. So I just made some Hawaiian shirts. I love it. I made some jackets and some pants. And then I spoke to my old art teacher. I said, I really like this. And she said, I did fashion at RMIT, you should do it too. And I said All right, I freaking will. I said, how do I get in? And she said, you know, you just go along with some drawings and take all the clothes you've made and have a chat. I'm going, all right. So I signed up, and that year— this was, this would have to be '86 by now— and that was the year that RMIT fashion became a degree.

Josh: Really?

Derek: So you're much more serious business. Who is this weirdo with these really badly made clothes? Still no folio whatsoever. Whatsoever. Not even HSC.

Josh: So did you even— how far along did you get?

Derek: They told me to fuck off.

Tommy: Was it the Blues Brothers suit that you still had on?

Derek: I was just so unfashionable. I still am. I just had no eye for it whatsoever. And so I did get in. I got into Geelong Gordon Institute for fashion. For fashion, yeah. And I went and studied fashion that year.

Tommy: And you— and you succeeded? Did you do it? Did you finish it?

Derek: I didn't finish it, but I— as I was doing it, and this is where the the answer to the question from way back then.

Tommy: What was the question?

Josh: I can't remember.

Derek: When he's got it, I asked— when I asked that art teacher what they like to see, she said they really like it if you screen print your own fabric. She was talking about 20 years earlier, you know what I mean?

Josh: It was like screen print your own fabric.

Derek: So I went and got screen printing material and actually made my own frame with a pocket knife and stretched it with a staple gun. And screen and cut out a thing and screen printed some stuff. And I got into that so much that halfway through the fashion course, I just started a screen printing business.

Tommy: Amazing. You know who else had a screen printing business?

Josh: Who?

Tommy: Craig Harper.

Josh: Really?

Tommy: Legit had a big machine running like full operation.

Derek: Yeah, I had a shit one in the backyard.

Josh: What were the sort of designs that you were doing in the screen printing?

Derek: It was just whatever people wanted. Yeah, you know, use like fitness clubs, quite a lot of people got on to me and I just printed their fitness clubs.

Tommy: So this is your first business? That was it, late '80s or mid-'80s.

Derek: Yep.

Josh: What's the investment back then in a screen printer?

Derek: Fuck all. I think my 21st birthday present.

Josh: That's an official amount.

Derek: Well, I was just doing it brutally. Yeah, not very cleverly.

Josh: So you were just using it, but I got a carousel. Oh, you had the carousel? How many?

Derek: Four colour carousel. I got it as a 21st present from my parents.

Josh: Oh, that's cool.

Derek: Yeah, and then I was off and racing. But I did a different thing. I used to screen print black and white onto a t-shirt and then airbrush some colours on. That's— they always say '80s thing.

Josh: The hot rod show at, um, what's, what's the, what's the centre just there, the one that's close by on Nicholson? Geelong. No, sorry, you know Nicholson Street? You're meant to fit when I do that. You're meant to finish my sentence.

Tommy: Yeah, I only finish if I know.

Josh: Where's the convention that like the hot rod show?

Derek: Exhibition buildings.

Josh: Yes, thank you. They—

Derek: I would always—

Tommy: Not on Nicholson Street, is it? That's on the other side of the city.

Josh: No, there's two. That's why I get confused.

Tommy: Ah, Jeff's Shed, which is—

Josh: No, no, no, not just exhibition building. What's the one? Royal Exhibition.

Tommy: IMAX. Where IMAX is. Yes, correct.

Josh: There's like an old school one. Anyway, they would always, with the Hot Rod Show, they would do the airbrushing onto hats. So you could get sick hats with the whole like—

Tommy: How sick were they though?

Josh: Well, they got real crusty.

Tommy: Repulsive.

Josh: Well, because they had it, they would do so many different colors. Did you ever airbrush onto anything else?

Derek: I met a girlfriend doing it. She came up and said, oh, could you do an Astro Boy?

Josh: What is that name?

Derek: Astro Boy. It was a cartoon.

Tommy: I remember a girl who had a tattoo of an Astro Boy.

Derek: What was her name? This could be interesting.

Tommy: Sammy. No, no, no, that would have been funny. She was a lot younger.

Josh: I thought Astro Boy was like late '90s, but it's more recent, is it?

Derek: Way back. Astro Boy is probably from the '60s.

Tommy: Really? Mr. 97 is thinking, what the fuck is Astro Boy?

Josh: Yeah, Astro Boy. Yeah, he had big hair, didn't he?

Derek: No, he had a weird kind of— looked like Sonic.

Tommy: Looked like a helmet. Yeah, he was plastic.

Josh: Anyway, and so the t-shirt, the t-shirt thing, how long did you last doing it?

Derek: I ended up sitting at the Croydon market airbrushing, uh, you know, '80s iconography like cocktails and makeup and stuff onto t-shirts live for people.

Tommy: So these— this thing, are you thinking this is— I— what I'm like Was there a serious nature about this attempt for the business? That's what I'm getting. I don't want to say it for you, but I see— I feel like the things Josh and I do, just getting enough money to survive, we fucking take things so seriously. Like, think about all the business. I'm like, this is it, this is me for the next 10. This is— I mean, it gets more serious as we go. It feels like probably the big, most intense venture that we're committing to.

Josh: Derek feels like it's more of the school of the starving artist. Do you think, like, there's something in that which is in the The creative pursuit that, like, I think about, um, what we do. And even though with podcasting we don't make any money, I was speaking to a dancer a few years ago and she was sort of like, um, she did like African style dancing or whatever, and she was saying how, like, how hard it is being an artist. And she was sort of referring to me as like, oh, you know, you must understand how hard it is. I'm like, actually, I was thinking in my head as someone who does video production, you can make okay money.

Tommy: Is there an appeal to this, the starving artist, or, you know?

Josh: Yeah, it's more pure. You don't have to deal with as many clients.

Tommy: I mean, my thought, I've always looked at it and thought there's also like a, a lack of dedication or commitment, or a— there's a commitment issue within sort of giving it everything. It's like it's always just ready for Plan B, or just like, I can go and do that if it doesn't work out.

Josh: How do you feel about it, Tarek, now that Tommy slammed you?

Derek: No, I just remind— by the time I was 30, then I had a sculpting business that had 3 staff, so I'm okay with it.

Tommy: Oh, then no, but it wasn't your thing.

Derek: Yeah, so no, it wasn't my thing. I was just surviving. I was like, you know, having a good time, probably too much of a good time. And you're just doing things that were avoiding getting a job, proper job.

Tommy: Well, so look at it, it's like how many people are the— not the starving artists, but the ones that aren't taking that seriously, they're doing okay, and there's a less— 20s, less of intensity about it.

Josh: You've got to be able to do that in your 20s, right? Like Jules talks about that a lot, just do free work, do shit that you want to do, because when you're in your 30s, that's when you start getting mortgages and having kids and having to worry about all that sort of shit.

Tommy: Yeah.

Derek: Yeah, you might.

Tommy: So you got 3 kids, I mean you got 3 staff which are pretty much kids. So what, so that was that your next venture?

Derek: Yeah, that's so, what did I do? I just doing the screen printing and then I fucked off and lived in England.

Josh: Did you take the screen printing shit with you?

Derek: No, no, no, he left. But I got in a bit of a position because I was, you know, a bit of a position once you're, once you're in a different country you can say whatever you are. It doesn't really matter, especially if it requires equipment.

Josh: So what were you?

Derek: I was an airbrush artist, right? But I was, I was living with these Northern Irishmen in North London, and, and they went for a week of these crazy walks with this stray Alsatian— what's it called?

Josh: Dog?

Tommy: I don't know.

Derek: Alsatian.

Tommy: Alsatian dog.

Derek: Yeah, you got it right. So we went, uh, on these crazy walks. And one day this Irishman, he pops us into this weird building, you know, it was like a church or something. You know what it was? It was a fucking biker clubhouse.

Tommy: Oh yeah.

Josh: Why'd you say oh yeah like that?

Derek: Well, stripper poles, drugs, it was all of Tommy's favourite things because I was a hippie.

Josh: Today guys, it's Tommy's favourite things. Today we're talking about bikie clubs, stripper poles. Geez, you're getting a bit Geoff Jowett from 1998, dude.

Tommy: That's what happened there. That's what happened.

Josh: You know it.

Tommy: What was there? What was inside?

Derek: Well, that was just like he said.

Tommy: I've actually seen it from movies.

Derek: They didn't have the poles.

Tommy: No poles.

Derek: I think they brought their own.

Josh: So then they had the drugs, their own poles.

Derek: But I don't remember that much about it. I just like, you know, you've got this internal dialogue going, just be careful, don't be Josh. Yeah, loose lips. Dobby on the news.

Josh: Yeah, don't be a narc.

Derek: Wait, so can I just Can I just say something?

Josh: Yeah.

Derek: Narc, I believe, comes from a narcotics agent. So it's a policeman is a narc. So when people, groups of—

Tommy: that's why I was confused when you said it.

Derek: Oh, are you a narc? To a normal person, they're saying, are you an undercover cop? So narc, a dibba dobber.

Tommy: I don't think it's right.

Josh: So do you think a dibba dobber is different to a narc? I think a narc sounds better because it sounds like a narc is a policeman.

Tommy: Narc is short for narcotics.

Derek: Unless you're an underground Undercover.

Tommy: You're a narc. Yeah, but it's relating to drugs. That's what I was like. He's not outing drug offenses.

Derek: Rat's pretty— I reckon rat.

Tommy: But yeah, well, I'll settle for rat.

Derek: Rat might be—

Tommy: I'll take rat. I called him a rat dog once.

Josh: You're a fucking rat dog.

Tommy: Because what happened? You did something. I know, it annoyed me. It was just this— oh no, you're wanting me to touch your fucking arm that had like, um, skin peeling off from sunburning.

Derek: Oh, that was a long time ago.

Tommy: You're a rat dog.

Josh: I do remember that now. Yeah, that wasn't a big deal.

Tommy: Yeah, disgusting, mate.

Josh: So you're in the bikie clubhouse?

Tommy: Yes.

Derek: And so I get introduced to these guys and they're just like how you'd imagine London bikers to be like.

Tommy: Is it skinhead vibe?

Derek: London accents on bikers.

Tommy: Was it skinhead, different vibe? Like, is this— because I know like, London, over in the— where were the skinheads from? Because that was—

Josh: can we just point out one thing? I'm so fucking close to Derek And Mr. 97 always has a go at me about that I'm always edging off the screen. Look how close I am. I'm— but how can I get any closer? Like, it feels like I'm very close, doesn't it?

Derek: There's not to me.

Josh: So how could I get any closer?

Tommy: That's right, move your bum. So rather than your bum, just spread it across the cheek.

Josh: Does that feel better?

Tommy: That's better.

Derek: That's much better.

Josh: Does that feel better to you as well?

Tommy: That's good.

Derek: Yeah, we're professionals. If our legs are touching, yeah, no one knows.

Josh: It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Okay, cool. And so skinheads—

Tommy: they're not skinheads, they're not skinheads, they're just rough bikers.

Derek: Okay, yeah, whatever, right? So they said, what do you do, mate? And I said, oh, I'm an airbrush artist. Oh, you, you beauty! And I'm going, oh, what? You've got to do our tanks, mate, you know, like flames and shit. Oh no, on the bike? Do our whole club and put our club thing on the— I'd never done it, any of that shit ever before. I just used fabric ink and just bullshit on like brutally. Nah mate, all my gear's in Melbourne. We'll pay for it, mate, we'll pay for it. I'm going, get me fucking out of here. I don't know how I wriggled out. I just went, yeah, look, I'll look into it. And what was the plan? Ready? I was ready to say that my parents had sold everything.

Josh: When you went to London, what was the actual plan?

Derek: I never planned. There was no plan.

Josh: So you got it. You were on a— what sort of passport do you got?

Derek: Because your parents Yeah, I've got an EU passport and an Australian passport. So you're just born in Scotland? So I did have a plan. My official reason— because if you say you don't have official reason, everyone gives you a hard time. Yeah, uh, find Björk.

Josh: Find Björk. Yeah, find the artist Björk.

Derek: Yeah, just wanted to run into her. That was like—

Tommy: did you find her?

Derek: Kept hassling me for a reason. I told them that.

Tommy: Did you find her?

Derek: I thought I did one time, but I was— you were pretty late one night. What year was it?

Josh: What year was it?

Derek: '93.

Josh: '93. Because I was watching the Queen document— uh, film, uh, Bohemian Rhapsody. Live Aid happened in— was it like '91 or something? Does that sound about right, or was it there?

Derek: Doesn't sound right at all. Okay, when was Live Aid? I thought I was working in the disco.

Josh: You could have been. It could have been the '80s. Can you look up when Live Aid was on, please? '97.

Tommy: And so how long did you spend in the UK?

Josh: You're meant to be there for 1 and a half years, something like that.

Derek: Yeah, I don't know, I don't remember.

Josh: And so was it '85? '85.

Derek: Okay, there you go. Yeah, I was— when I was at the disco.

Josh: And so I think '91 was when Freddie Mercury died, maybe. Um, so what was the, the actual living arrangements when you're in London?

Derek: What happened? Flew in, my ex-girlfriend who'd been there already for a period of time.

Josh: Qantas?

Derek: She was an expert. No, Qantas. Ferals, what are we, Olympic or something?

Josh: Olympic, okay.

Derek: Yeah, Qantas was too posh for the likes of me.

Tommy: How did your parents get out here, just by the way?

Derek: Qantas.

Tommy: They flew?

Derek: Yeah, yeah, we did, we did.

Tommy: I had some, um, Scottish clients.

Derek: I wet my pants on the plane.

Josh: Did you?

Tommy: You remember it?

Derek: You don't forget that.

Tommy: You definitely don't forget that. I had some Scottish PT clients. Got the boat here, took like 4 weeks.

Josh: Can you actually do that nowadays?

Derek: Uh, it's a luxury.

Tommy: Yeah, there'd be less like, hey, just jump on a boat, you'll be in Scotland in 3, 3, 4 weeks.

Josh: But like cruise liners, could I go on a cruise to go to Europe?

Tommy: There's specific ones that go from here to Sydney to New Zealand, I think.

Josh: Yeah, but I'm thinking like New Zealand. Yeah, I get maybe like Vanuatu and all that sort of— yeah. Polynesian Islands.

Tommy: Yeah, that's European cruises.

Derek: But I wonder going the other way, do they have cruise liners out in those rough cold—

Josh: that's what I was wondering, like the big fuck-off massive, like—

Tommy: I'm sure—

Josh: well, 97's looking it up, I think.

Tommy: Yeah, can you book one in? You can sail from Sydney to London.

Josh: Really?

Tommy: Sick! That'd be sick to do the podcast.

Derek: How much? How much?

Tommy: What do you reckon?

Josh: Let's guess. Dates and pricing. Can I guess? $8,000?

Tommy: It's through like Asia and stuff and and you—

Josh: okay, so it's a lot of hopping around.

Derek: Yeah, yeah.

Tommy: $8,000, $11,500 package gets you accommodation, food, including alcohol. Yes. Oh no, not including—

Derek: they have to give you that. What if you get on and you haven't got your wallet? Yeah, 4 months.

Tommy: No, you're gonna— a lot of them are pre-purchase using credit card.

Josh: You have this thing, and surely it's not fucking 4— how long do we— and how long do we think it's going to take?

Tommy: It's minimum 3 weeks.

Josh: I reckon it will take 25 days. Okay, what do you think?

Tommy: 20, I said 21 basically. 29 days, 25.

Derek: Hopping around Asia, I'm saying 30 days, 32 days, and I'm gonna up it to $15,000.

Tommy: Okay, $39,000. $39,000 starting, starting $39,000. That's a shitty room downstairs. Stairs too.

Derek: That is not a 10-pound pom.

Tommy: And it's from Feb 11th to May 2nd. Yeah, it's like 3 months. April, May.

Derek: Far out. Oh, well, that's fair enough then. Yeah, that's 3 and a bit months.

Josh: That's actually a bit silly. That's a silly trip, isn't it?

Tommy: Sillycruise.com.

Josh: Some people, some people like are really into cruises. They're gonna die on a ship, so they just go from one thing to another.

Tommy: They've got morgues on ships, I heard, like a freeze room where you you put the body in. Just heard that.

Josh: Yeah, keep them with the frozen cheesecakes. So anyway, the— so you, you arrive, your girlfriend was in England?

Derek: No, my ex-girlfriend was there. She met me in the airport and then we, uh, cruised a lot. She took me to the pub where she worked, and then that night—

Josh: she's—

Derek: I still didn't have any digs, I had nowhere to stay.

Josh: Is she Australian?

Derek: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we went to, we went to a pub called Molly Malone's in, uh, little tiny suburb called Newington Green, which was like Stoke Newington, northern suburbs, kind of a bit sort of not rough, yeah, maybe rough, mixed, a mixed suburb.

Tommy: Yeah, I do like the little suburb names in London. Yeah, and surrounding.

Derek: So we went there and just got absolutely fucking hammered, dude.

Tommy: How good are the pubs in UK? Like London, I went to this pub that was 200 years old or something fucking ridiculous like this. You walk into the pub, you have to duck I had to duck. 6 foot 2. I'm ducking because it's probably about an under 6 foot door frame and it's got a leather cushion on this, the top of the door frame. It's like that was the legit size of people back then, or that's what they built them like.

Josh: Yeah, there's some places in Tasmania that are like that, not that old, but Tassie has some. Like, I stayed in some places that were like ex-jails or whatever.

Tommy: Really?

Josh: You go in, it's really cool.

Derek: I wonder if that height thing is Not so much. I don't know how quickly we can evolve into being a foot taller.

Josh: I don't think it's been pretty quick.

Derek: Like, if you've got a little fire and you've got to burn 3 logs of wood, you can heat a low ceiling. Wouldn't you think just the posh people had high ceilings?

Tommy: I mean, logic is a thing that humans possess. Wouldn't you just think to make a door frame, who's the tallest guy around? Let's get it probably about that.

Derek: That's why I think it's a heating thing to just keep the heat in.

Tommy: Interesting.

Josh: I feel like you know that as a fact.

Derek: No, made it up just then.

Josh: Okay, and so you, you got plastered, you stayed at the ex-girlfriend's last night?

Derek: No, the, the publican, we became like best pals immediately. Yeah, Gabby his name was. And what was weird is they closed the pub at 11. I'm going, oh, what are we gonna do now? I better go and find a hostel, sort of thing. They're going, what are you talking about? The night is young. And they pull the blinds down and just That's a lock-in. Carry on till 5 in the morning.

Tommy: It's a lock-in.

Derek: The only difference between officially open and locked in is when you're locked in, everyone just starts rolling joints.

Josh: It's locked in an actual official—

Tommy: it's an official term in, in the sort of— what is it, the, um, uh, pub culture? Yeah, pub culture. But, um, what do you call it? Fucking the, the name—

Josh: hospitality.

Tommy: Yeah, it's the one. My mate had a— my mate's got a pizza bar and they do lock-ins where it's like a bunch of pubs.

Josh: You can't leave.

Tommy: So that— no, it's licencing stuff, right?

Josh: It's like the night at the museum.

Tommy: They're licenced to a certain time, then they close the doors and just keep drinking the alcohol.

Derek: It's just a way they— it's, it's not technically legal. Yeah, but it's not, it's not a danger. And that licensing, if you, if you're clearly just having your friends around.

Tommy: Yeah, so it's the owner with their friends.

Derek: But in the UK, it's just rampant because they closed at 11 which was nuts.

Josh: Did you guys ever do a sleepover at your primary school?

Tommy: I remember that were happening, I don't think I did though.

Derek: Had a few quiet snoozes but not to say—

Josh: No actually we had asleep, just that night at the museum idea or being locked in, I remember that was like the first, I'm sure the first sleepover I ever went on.

Tommy: All you would hear is just kshh, kabishabashaba Josh on his walkie-talkie.

Josh: It's definitely got walkie-talkie vibes.

Tommy: We did that kind of shit at a school camp, more school camp vibe. Everyone in this big room sleeping, just trying to stay up late.

Josh: What, Derek, where were the school camps that you went on?

Derek: I remember being in a wagon.

Josh: Like Sovereign Hill style?

Tommy: Oh no, he's not that old, bro.

Josh: But as in Sovereign Hill, like actually Sovereign Hill real time? Yeah, the gold rush. Are you referring to the Gold Rush?

Derek: No, there was one school camp. I don't know if it's still there. I think it was on Phillip Island, and there was a lot of camps, and there was like these big wagon, fake wagons, so you— of course, bunks in them. So you slept in a wagon.

Josh: Were you— did you enjoy—

Derek: I didn't go to Summers. I don't know why we didn't.

Josh: What do you mean Summers?

Derek: Summers is the, is the main camp down on the peninsula.

Tommy: Oh, Summers, the suburb called Summers?

Derek: Yeah, down on the peninsula, the beach, and there's a camp there that nearly everyone goes to. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Josh: Never went to that.

Tommy: Never went to it. It must be specific schools.

Josh: Yeah, interesting. Okay, do you remember it being a good time, or were you sort of traumatised by the idea of going on school camp?

Derek: Yeah, that was a bit— yeah, it's a bit of a— I didn't like it because I had asthma and stuff, and suddenly the notion of what if I wet the bed just came out of nowhere.

Josh: Well, you pissed your pants on the way here.

Derek: Well, I was sick. I was 6 years old. Oh yeah, on the way up here, the stairs. Have you seen those stairs? So it was all right, I had a great time on camp, it was pretty normal.

Josh: And so coming when you're 16—

Derek: I had my first pash on a camp.

Josh: You see, you only bring up this now.

Tommy: What, what?

Derek: Just remembered, I forgot about high school camps.

Tommy: When was the last time you actually thought about this shit?

Josh: Yes, I thought—

Tommy: I've thought more about childhood being around this bloke than I ever have.

Josh: I love nostalgia.

Tommy: It was some of his best times, it was some of my worst times. I think it's like, yeah, we've spoken about that. As I've got older, it's like I've taken control more so of what I've wanted to do and the fun I've had. But this guy, he peaked at fucking grade 6.

Josh: I won the Red Faces competition at school camp. Oh, not, not Red Faces as in Red Simons, but no, I did a, I did a Fat Bastard impersonation.

Tommy: I'd pay you that, that would be funny.

Josh: I actually remember exactly what I said.

Derek: Who's Fat Bastard?

Josh: Fat Bastard, Austin Powers.

Tommy: Austin Powers, you know. Oh, maybe it's— yeah, it's Mike Myers just in a fat suit and his face is—

Derek: yeah, I know.

Josh: It was Steve Irwin and Fat Bastard. I did both of them and all I said— I couldn't believe the energy. Like, is it the teachers? I think we're laughing at the outrageousness of the whole thing because actually, like, going back the very first Red Face, it's like school camp for me became— because I went in grade 3 for a grade 4 camp they were doing, like needed to make up numbers, so some of the grade 3s. And so I'd heard— mum must have told me, like, they do red faces, so you better prepare. And so I brought 2 tennis balls, a dress, and I got dressed up as a Spice Girl and did, um, so tell me what you want, what you really, really want, and all that sort of thing. Anyway, so I did that But then when I was in high school, it was the big thing of doing the impersonations. And what I did was, it was very short. The Fat Bastard impersonation was this. Get in my belly, I'm gonna eat ya.

Derek: I got a bit of corn in my clap.

Josh: And then they all laughed. And then the second one was It was timely.

Tommy: The movie was probably just out.

Josh: It only just came out, but I think it was maybe the outrageousness of the whole thing and that I thought it was funny that maybe made it funny. I won't even do the Steve Irwin one based on that reaction.

Tommy: And based on Paul Bastard Not With Us.

Josh: What do you mean? Steve Irwin. I thought you meant Fat Bastard. I'm like, mate, why is he still around?

Derek: Did you release something? Like, you were— you weren't skinny then, were you?

Josh: No, I was chubby.

Derek: Were you officially chubby?

Josh: Yes, yes, yes. No, I was a fat kid who made fat jokes.

Derek: So did they— so they did that— did that release them to have a bit of a laugh at something? Like, did it give the audience a bit of—

Tommy: yeah, maybe.

Josh: I was probably a little fat kid. I was always front-footing the fat thing, always saying like, like, hey, look how quickly I could eat this sundae.

Tommy: I mean, we did it today with your sandwich, but you just—

Derek: whereas I'm a dainty sparrow.

Josh: No, but you accidentally ate a fucking curry before. Do I have to remind you?

Tommy: And you've been doing most of the talking. So you, so you've left London, you're back in Australia, then what?

Derek: God, yeah.

Tommy: Oh, what career?

Josh: I want to find out more about the making out in at the camp.

Derek: Oh really?

Josh: Just real quick, if it's not weird.

Tommy: He wants to hear about you as a 4-year-old. 4? Year 4?

Josh: How old? No, he was in high school.

Tommy: Awkward pash.

Derek: Form 4.

Tommy: Form 4.

Derek: Yeah.

Tommy: Is that grade 4 or is that— okay, different, different.

Derek: Form 4.

Josh: Can you actually explain?

Derek: Mandy, I've had a crush on her for ages and then we had a pash on the swings. Just, I was shocking. You look back now, you go, why, why would you do that?

Josh: What did you do?

Derek: You know, like, just flat out, just hell for leather.

Josh: Hell for leather.

Derek: We both just sat back and laughed because we did the same thing.

Josh: Did you really laugh about it after?

Derek: We both did.

Tommy: We used to do—

Derek: it was ridiculous. It wasn't like the movies at all.

Tommy: It never is for the first ones. There's a— we used to put on a timer to see. It was like with, you know, kissing a girl, like putting on a timer. Right, let's, let's go.

Josh: Really?

Tommy: Then we'd be timing out how long we can go for.

Josh: Yep, that's a good little trick.

Derek: Remember that? Blue light disco.

Tommy: I mean, Mr. 97's face, he's shook.

Josh: Can you believe that?

Tommy: Have you done that, Mr. 97?

Josh: I didn't even know that was a thing. Yeah, it's cooked. Timer.

Tommy: No, it was grade 6, bro.

Josh: Timer at his next date. Timer at the next date. We get him a little analogue clock. It won't be sus at all. Put it around his neck with little instructions on the back. No, but the, um, I mean, the pashing thing. The first time I ever pashed someone, her name was Catherine, and her mum actually worked at Mars.

Tommy: And so you were— it was a total inside job. Well, we were getting through to the parents.

Josh: No, it was actually—

Derek: it was It was fly in, fly out. Yeah, Mars is a long way.

Josh: Very good. Well done, Dad. Um, the— no, what it actually was, was, um, I remember it was the first time I ever had Mars Bar because we— it was an interact— like, it, it was a— what's it called? Interact? No, interaction. Transaction. Transaction. She gave me some Mars Bar and we kissed. Like, it was— I was sort of a— I whored myself. Yeah, no, I was whoring myself out in prep.

Tommy: So she wanted to kiss—

Josh: she wanted to kiss me. She was sort of seen as her and I, like, I hadn't sort of put on a bunch of weight at that point, but she was sort of seen as the sort of stockier one of the group.

Tommy: Okay, yeah. And so you did you get a bit tongue in?

Josh: Yeah, absolutely. Like, it was a full patch.

Tommy: What grade?

Josh: Prep. But at that point it's weird, it's pretty young.

Tommy: Can you imagine? Um, no. Young son Tom, your son, you can't do that with the headphones.

Josh: No, I know Derek just pushed the headphones in just to hear.

Derek: I want to hear more.

Tommy: How old's your— how's your How old is your son? He's 11.

Derek: 11. My daughter's 9.

Tommy: Has he had a pass yet?

Derek: No.

Josh: You know, what do you know?

Tommy: I mean, I'm just pushing.

Derek: It's my job to say no like that. It's out rolls.

Tommy: What I'd done at 11.

Josh: What had you done at 11?

Tommy: Shit. What grade are you?

Josh: That's like year 7, grade 6, grade 5.

Tommy: I smoked weed for the first time in grade 5.

Derek: Oh, don't.

Tommy: Isn't that bad?

Josh: Yeah, who gave it to you?

Tommy: Found it in a friend's dad's drawer.

Josh: Everything you found in your friend's parents' place. Yeah, yeah, some things we won't mention, but yeah, that was a warning if you didn't realize.

Tommy: My brother— this is nostalgia stories— my brother came home and he pulls out of his bag, shows mum, 'Mum, look at this! Wendy gave it to me.' A dildo. Wendy had taken it from her parents' drawer and given it to my brother at school, and then he'd take it home because he thought it was funny. It was a dick.

Josh: That's so—

Tommy: and it was a—

Derek: so he folded it.

Tommy: Mum took it, threw it straight in the bin.

Josh: Really? Did she contact Wendy's parents?

Tommy: I don't know.

Josh: You think you would?

Tommy: I'd be too awkward. I'd be like, not going there.

Josh: So Derek, what did you actually do?

Derek: So you had your night at the pub, and then Then he said, oh, look, you're welcome to stay upstairs, but you've got to share a room with a stray Alsatian dog. But just be careful because there's a few words that make him go mental, because I think he might have been an attack dog.

Tommy: Yeah, spam. Yeah, he just hated—

Derek: that's my trigger, not his. So I got— yeah, I stayed there.

Josh: Was that serious? Did he really say that? He said about the trigger words?

Derek: Yeah, yeah, I never make shit up on podcasts.

Tommy: Serious, that was so serious.

Derek: So I stayed in there and I stayed in there for a long time, up in that room and the wallpaper. I even saw some ghosts.

Tommy: Like days?

Derek: No, months. Months? Yeah, yeah, probably.

Josh: So he could use—

Derek: 6 months. So I lived there with him.

Josh: Yeah, that's the outstation.

Derek: What did you actually have to do? Crazy shit happened in that place. Like, do you know Daniel Day-Lewis?

Tommy: No, no, I've heard of him.

Derek: Yeah, right. So he was in the a film called The Name of the Father.

Tommy: Yeah.

Derek: Which was about, uh, uh, one of the Northern Irishmen that was in prison and stuff like that. So they had the opening of that movie, and because it was an Irish pub, it's a bit of iconic— like the band called The Pogues used to come and drink there and stuff like that. So it was kind of the iconic back blocks secret place for renowned Irish people to go to, and I was out partying doing Young Folk things. And when I got back, they said, "Oh, you should have been here. They were all here." Like, they had the after-party for the opening of that film in the pub. And then when they did the lock-in, because no one wanted to leave, like, it was jam-packed.

Josh: Yeah.

Derek: They had to lock it in, and they said, "Oh, we're going now." And Daniel Day-Lewis and the Irish guy who it was about were both hiding in my room, just trampling my backpack and my Walkman, right? Just standing there hiding, drinking a pint, dribbling beer on my stuff. And while, while they got everyone out of the pub so they could go back down. So there you go, that's the weirdest name drop you'll hear.

Tommy: Yeah. And, and you didn't even—

Derek: Daniel Day dribbled beer on my sleeping bag. Yeah, that's a good one.

Josh: You, um, most recently did— worked on Scooters, and now you've shifted into podcasting.

Derek: Yep.

Tommy: How—

Josh: when did you actually think that podcasting was going to be a thing that you'd do?

Derek: January.

Josh: Well, no, you've been— you've had it on your radar. You've had it. You were— when did you start listening to The Daily Talk Show? First 50 apps?

Tommy: January 2018.

Josh: Yeah, as in like last year.

Derek: It was pretty fresh. Yep.

Josh: And you— I remember at the time Tommy said, oh man, there's this cool dude up the road who's doing this vinyl thing on Instagram and I started following. And at that time you had the Aussie Vinyl Show. It was just you on Instagram recording bits of you playing, uh, old vinyls and talking, talking shit.

Derek: It's, it's weird. It's like the foundations of the building that is my podcasting career or whatever. Yeah, are still just a little muddy patch and that is the Aussie Vinyl Show.

Josh: Yeah.

Derek: And all around it is like a ring-shaped building, you know what I mean? It's all growing around. I haven't done that podcast yet, but I've done 3 others and I produce others and do all sorts of other stuff. So it's great, I'm loving it. But it was January when I was on holidays and, and I was started, um, recording some of the true crimers and stuff like that in the studio, that it sort of started to get a bit of traction and the whole notion. Now do a few corporates and stuff like that. So it's, it's good. I've got enough, uh, hope to back out. It's hard to go from a business where you, anytime you want, you can get $100 an hour.

Josh: Yeah.

Derek: Back to where you've got to deal with people going, you know, giving you $40 and going, oh, my guest's, uh, just cancelled, and all this sort of shit. So my time management is completely changed. It's a whole different world.

Tommy: You've pushed back on a couple of times when we've called you Scooter Derek. Yeah, well, because you're the rebrand, I get it. You've been the character Scooter Derek on our show. Is it— is— do we need to make a change? Is there something that we can do that assists the rebrand in the direction that you want?

Josh: I think Scooter Derek's strong.

Derek: Who was it? You had one of your guests in the early days sort of pushed back a little bit on the branding. You were talking about rebranding, something to do with Josh's hat.

Tommy: Was it Ryan John?

Josh: It might have been early days with the hats. The hats was I haven't worn a hat since 2000 and early 2018.

Tommy: Yeah, I'm pretty happy.

Derek: So I'm pretty sure, I'm pretty sure it's a type of hats they were talking about what rebranding meant. Like, and I don't think I rebrand at all. Sure, ever.

Josh: Are you fucking kidding me? You have like 40 jobs.

Derek: Hairy fucking fat guy.

Tommy: At the start of the show you've rebranded. I think your look is the same in terms of your clothing rebrand.

Derek: Calling me Scooter Derek is just locking me into the last 8 years, which is a drop in the ocean.

Tommy: Yeah.

Derek: So, so what are we doing? I don't know. Not Screen Printing Derek or Wrought Iron Derek or Blacksmith Derek or Hallkeeper Derek.

Josh: Do you think there's some—

Derek: a lot of people call me Dirty Derek, but that doesn't really work in the long term.

Josh: How did Dirty Derek actually come about?

Derek: Well, at my wedding we were—

Josh: it sounds filthy.

Derek: Yeah, yeah. So yeah, it is. At my wedding we, um, all my friends were there and they just called me Dirty. Like, it was just— that was my name.

Josh: Why?

Derek: Not even Dirty Derek, just Dirty.

Josh: Dirty.

Derek: I'll get to why, you have to wait. But they all going up, hey, hey Dirty, come and get a photo, or Dirty this, Dirty that. And my mum's going, Derek, why does everyone call you Dirty? And I said, it's because I'm a blacksmith. Just like the nickname came from wearing— oh, for just having black, uh, black on my face.

Josh: And that was the actual reason?

Tommy: No.

Derek: Just a potty mouth. Just being a potty mouth, being dirty, having dirty jokes.

Josh: Okay, being— did you feel— have you— because you're a pretty progressive guy now that we've seen the flow-through of the MeToo movement and feminism. It's interesting, uh, how does— where does dirty fit into—

Derek: well, exactly. I mean, there's still a place for, for being dirty without being disrespectful.

Tommy: Yeah, I agree.

Derek: Yeah, it's—

Josh: you sound so hot.

Derek: I'm not putting anyone down.

Josh: There's a place for dirty.

Derek: Yeah, you know, with me, with me too, you do as best as you can when you're my age, go through your memory and just scour your memory for anything someone might one day say you did. I can't really come up with anything.

Tommy: Oh, I'm glad.

Derek: This is not a call out for anyone.

Josh: But what's the dirt? So the dirty bit is It's just like, just smutty.

Derek: Yeah, yeah, maybe, maybe smutty, maybe some good jokes. It might have been dirty.

Josh: Yeah, I don't know. I feel like dirt, just like you were saying with Fat Fridays. Derek early days said, guys, I think that the Fat Fridays needs to be changed to— what'd you say? Friday Feast.

Derek: Yep, yep, yep.

Josh: Bit fucking soft.

Derek: Call me stoic, but I just thought about— I was thinking about more about the branding than, than, you know, calling people fat, calling you dirty.

Josh: From a branding isn't great either, is it?

Derek: In the modern world, yeah. I'm not asking to be called that anymore, but people still do.

Tommy: You're not going to be called Dirty Derek. You don't want to be called Scooter Derek. That's what I'm feeling.

Josh: I'm vibing.

Tommy: Eric. Yeah, you definitely don't want to be called Eric a few times. Eric, that was a low blood sugar response from Josh.

Josh: That was me dropping the D.

Derek: Can I be 3D Derek?

Josh: No, absolutely not. No trademark.

Tommy: Podcast?

Josh: No, no podcast in there. I think Scooter Derek, I think I love Scooter Derek because the thing is, it's your— the space that you've been in, what we've said, we've seen it transform over time to having scooters out the front and all that sort of thing.

Derek: I'm cool with it. I really— I'm just, uh, not that fussed. Yeah, so if there's a Derek in there, I'm branded up.

Tommy: Okay, how, how serious are you taking this now? As in the podcasting?

Derek: I think you said the nickname. I've got to feed a family, so it's not as serious as that.

Josh: There we go. How many do you do?

Tommy: I'm helping you, I've got the spam ready for you today.

Derek: That's 2 days.

Tommy: No, but how does that— how do you sort of think through that one?

Derek: I don't know. Well, I've just completely restructured my workshop area and been a bit more sensible. I've got a bit of a warehouse in Collingwood that I rent, but I've sublet it out to take a lot of the pressure off, and that should allow me to be more creative. Like, since starting the scooters, creativity just stopped dead, and you don't realise it's gone.

Josh: Do you do this every time though?

Derek: You don't realise you've had it till it's gone.

Josh: Do you— does it get to a point every time with every single thing that you do where you look back at it with contentment?

Tommy: No.

Josh: So scooters was something that you don't Before you went to school, before you were doing scooters and say you were doing the steel work or whatever, do you say that fucking steel work was soul destroying?

Derek: No, it wasn't. It was creative. I have people that I can go around this suburb on a push bike. Yeah. And see—

Josh: stop bragging—

Derek: hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of work that I've done still on the door. The Robbie Burns Hotel, everywhere, everywhere you go. So I'm really proud of that work and it's creative and you sit down with someone, you draw something thing. Someone, ums and ahs, they give you $10 grand, you build it, they go, it's beautiful, and then they send you an email, you know, a month later going, we just love that, just want to tell you.

Josh: What's the pricing structure?

Derek: That's pretty satisfying. And with the scooters, you don't get that.

Josh: What's this, what's the pricing structure on Steel? How would you, do you remember how you would actually price it out?

Tommy: What they drive.

Josh: What was that? What they drive.

Derek: What they drive.

Josh: So if it's a good car, was it, is there, did you have any form formula? How much is— I'm guessing steel is expensive.

Derek: Well, it was, but it's probably a lot more now.

Josh: Really?

Derek: You just design it and your mind, you're, you're, um, so you look at something, so that's about $6 grand. Yeah, your mind is calculating how long it's going to take to do. But it is like the what they drive thing is a sort of a joke, but it's sort of true. Because if someone like— I did work for some pretty hardcore mansions and there's— they expect it all to be— they expect you to spend an hour making that turn by hand in the— it's just— and it has to be this thick and all that. So it— you do have to crank it up. So with wrought iron, you've got a nouveau riche plumber's wife from Sunshine looking to try and save money by coming to you because you're the manufacturer. It's like, take a hike, lady.

Tommy: Yeah, no, you're the specialist.

Derek: Exactly.

Tommy: The, um, this morning we were having a we're sketching out, we weren't getting you to do some wrought iron though, but we're sketching out a bit of a floor plan at our new office that we may have.

Josh: We announced it on yesterday's show.

Tommy: Yeah, so we still need to, fingers crossed, have it cross the line. But you said to us, in terms of how much it is per year, because it's a, well, I mean, we're stretching to do it, but we're putting our chips on it and we're taking a risk to do it. And you said, we told you the number and you're like, ah, that's just big boy rent. But what I took from that was you're a guy who's taken punts, you've taken risk. You know, like you've had a space for 20 years on this street and now this street, the joint across the road, renting for $150 grand a year.

Derek: Oh, it's horrifying.

Tommy: It's crazy, but there's an element of risk in that. So I think you've probably leaned into risk across your time and you're still here, you're still on easy street. In terms of people like us starting business. What's the— what's the— what's the Scooter Derek risk assessment that you take?

Derek: I've dropped a lot of— I've dropped a lot of advice on people on this very topic over the years, which is weird because I have just been like in the same place.

Tommy: Yeah.

Derek: So, well, I did move. I started down in Abbotsford, it's now Abbotsford Tools, in a shop just building things and sculpting and trying out my hand at craft and stuff like that. But Yeah, when we moved into that building, it was a shitload, it was a shitload of money. We just, it was just so big, we didn't know what to do. There was no walls, none of the walls were in there, and we just got the trading post, found a basketball ring, went and got it from Oakley. Necessity, that seems like the first fucking thing we should do.

Tommy: We're going in there, Derek, what we need is something, and then there's a list of what we need for the office, and then there's priorities.

Derek: We just spent two— yeah, we don't actually have a basketball hoop.

Josh: We should get a small basketball ring.

Tommy: Yeah, for outside. Outside? Yeah.

Josh: Garage?

Derek: No.

Tommy: Yeah, we could probably get one that we wheel out from the garage to play a bit of b-ball. But, uh, ping pong table is— you're good. You're actually quite good at ping pong. I was surprised. So I think we should get some ping pong and really up our skills.

Josh: I feel like that was your way of selling it. You know that I wouldn't say no to a ping pong.

Tommy: Definitely. Exactly right.

Josh: You're very good at ping pong.

Derek: You couldn't beat me at ping pong.

Tommy: Okay, we're getting a ping pong table.

Josh: So that's a problem. They're a little bit annoying, but fuck, I didn't actually— 97, if you thought of a sporting, um, piece of gear that we could have in the office— pool table.

Tommy: Pool table's too much because you can level them. Hockey's okay because it's pretty, you know, lightweight.

Josh: Ping pong.

Tommy: Ping pong. It's ping pong. Let's do ping pong.

Josh: What comes to mind? What do you think?

Derek: Yeah, I reckon either ping pong or you could do like an indoor basketball hoop.

Josh: Indoor basketball?

Tommy: It's like a mini one that you can just like throw it across.

Josh: Yeah, like a little one with a soft like rubber ball.

Tommy: Yeah, you can do both of those. And so you got your basketball ring from the tradie?

Derek: We did that and we just spent a couple of days shooting hoops. Smashed a window and that window's still broken.

Tommy: Was this—

Derek: it's got a bit of wood over it.

Tommy: Was this calming the nerves of how much you're now paying per month?

Derek: Yeah, we were just scared and we were unprofessional, but that jump look at the difference between— I've seen so many people, and this I call it the Johnson Street theory, right?

Josh: Why is it called the Johnson Street?

Derek: Well, I'll tell you, because on Johnson Street you, you've got people that want to start up a business and they're going to throw $30 grand at the fit-out on plywood, whatever, right?

Josh: Or on steel stuff.

Derek: Well, whatever, right? Spend all the money on fit-out and then get the stock, and then standing there— think about it— standing there for 2 years That's a bunch of dough. All to, all instead of getting in a functioning walking, walk past retail area.

Josh: You're talking about minimum viable products right now.

Derek: All to save money because they're nervous about that initial horrifying annual rent amount. Fuck it, just go and get what you need completely.

Josh: Yeah, well, so you think that John says—

Derek: If you don't believe in your business, don't start it in the first place.

Josh: So you're the opposite of minimum viable product, It's like, no, get the, get the whole fucking space.

Tommy: Yeah, including coined a new phrase, right?

Josh: All of a sudden I can imagine him speaking at Google about it, going down the fucking slide there. Uh, you've got your podcast with Dan Lee. Um, what is it called now? You've had gone through about 7 names, only one approved by him.

Derek: Hang On To Your Hat. It's called Hang On To Your Hat. It's a, it's a fatherhood We did a season of What Now? last year, and we ended up talking about the same shit, and that's trying to be fathers, especially being old ones, and the harrowing life of the father.

Josh: Can you bring up my real phone?

Derek: We've branded, and this season we're taking a bit more seriously. We've got some incredible guests coming up.

Tommy: It's bloody awesome because you started it with no real sort of direction. You were actually Got Dan on randomly, he's a mate, but then you just decided, fuck, this actually works, we're a good combo. And then you started, and now you've developed the branding, the theme. It's great, such a— it's minimum viable product, yeah, is what you did there. And so not minimum viable space, maximum viable, maximum viable space.

Josh: And so this, you were playing this before, we'll play the— so this isn't yet to be finished, is it?

Derek: No, it is. No, it is an unreleased.

Josh: So let's play this because you were playing this for us before and I'm like, can we play it on the show? And you sort of reluctantly said yes. We'll play it through and then you can explain what it is. This is the new intro.

Derek: Yeah, this is, this is going to be pretty close to what the intro is of our new show. Hang on to that.

Tommy: Daddy, you're a naughty boy.

Derek: These days fatherhood is everywhere. You can't get away get away from it. Not that blokes haven't tried. If you're not a father, you've got a father. You're a son of a dad or a daughter of a bloke. But either way, being a dad is no picnic. The fear, the anger, the confusion, and, well, the love, of course.

Tommy: Oh!

Derek: Derek Myers and Dan Lee, together with their special guests, are here to share the highs and lows, the joys and the agony of being a modern dad. But most of all, to let You know that you're not alone.

Josh: It's very Australiana, isn't it?

Tommy: I love it.

Josh: Dan Lee.

Tommy: There's something about like so fresh about hearing kids, you know, just like little happy kids. It's so nice.

Josh: It's got like a very Aussie sound. Like it's— I feel like we don't have that much Australiana like on, uh, in media. Like I don't think I see— hear many just fucking Australians talking. Would you agree?

Derek: Yeah, I definitely agree. We did that. I mean, we did the vocals for Dan. Dan, I got Dan to just— he wrote that in about a minute.

Tommy: Yeah, well, he's a playwright, isn't he?

Derek: He's a playwright, a very good one. So he wrote that and said it just to give his wife, who's a musician, Missy Higgins.

Josh: Missy Higgins, who I've actually— who I've covered on our show.

Tommy: One of the most Australiana, you know, voices.

Josh: Yeah, Australian voice, unbelievable.

Derek: Yeah, using our own accent has always been huge for me. I love it.

Tommy: Yeah, so is this new venture for Mishy doing podcasting?

Derek: This is very exclusive, but yeah, so we sent him home with this brutal kind of vocal and they just came up with that today and it came in the email. I think we'll just use it as it is.

Tommy: Yeah, I love it.

Josh: It sounds so good.

Tommy: I feel like mandolin.

Derek: We'll probably might be able to roll that through.

Tommy: Yes, and then you're just talking. I just love the energy, it's nice.

Josh: And so what's the format of the show?

Derek: Right, okay, so we'll be interviewing— sorry, having conversations with.

Josh: Yeah, do you actually see that distinction?

Derek: Yeah, big time. Dan's always, he's constantly correcting himself and me because I think it's important that we just take the interview word out of our vernacular. And so having conversations because we want to spill our gut. Because right now, if you interview someone, then you've got to get their information, then you've got to do your own show because we're there to spill our own guts, aren't we? So then we've got to do two parts, which is what we're doing for the first two episodes this season. But we're gonna— a conversation means we can, you know, the different kinds of dads, yeah, we can lay either questions on them or taunt them.

Josh: Yeah, that's great.

Derek: They're just about to have a baby, we can taunt them.

Josh: We'll link it up in the podcast description. When we move, because the lease is obviously— it should happen hopefully, but if it does, if it does happen, are you going to come at least visit? How often can we expect you? Because normally we see you at about, what, 3 times a week?

Tommy: Definitely.

Josh: You're popping in.

Derek: I've got a feeling you'll be saying, Derek, can you bring me a giant Reuben across? Oh yeah, from downstairs. Absolutely, because that is delicious.

Josh: And would you— do you think you'll get on board? Will you pop down a bit?

Derek: Yeah, Course. Okay, got my e-bike. Do you hop and a skip?

Josh: Okay, great.

Tommy: Last time on the show you told a storey about the, um, getting pulled over by the cops.

Derek: Oh, did I? Stop spilling your guts, Derek.

Josh: It's a Daily Talk Show. Derek, mate, thanks for being on the show.

Tommy: Thanks, buddy.

Josh: Hi@thedailytalkshow.com if you want to send us an email. Otherwise, have a good Friday and we'll see you Monday.

Tommy: See you guys.

Josh: Bye.